Healthy boundaries support steadier moods by protecting routines, rest, and emotional energy.
“No.”
Within this tiny word lives a world of possibilities. But like so many people, especially women, I’ve been socialized to say “yes” to all sorts of things I don’t want to do. All because declining an invitation might appear rude, arrogant, or even selfish. And of course, I want to be polite, humble, and kind.
But I also want to be sane. And saying “yes” to way too many things for way too long took a massive toll on my mental health, instigating and exacerbating my bipolar symptoms and episodes
In the nearly 15 years since I received my bipolar diagnosis, I’ve learned a lot about what does and doesn’t work for me when it comes to treating and managing this condition.
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For instance, the factors most likely to make and keep me well: at least seven hours of sleep nightly, a healthy diet, exercise, nature, connection, prayer, laughter, music, literature, therapy, medication, and peace. And the factors most likely to make and keep me ill: under-sleeping, oversleeping, undereating, overeating, processed foods, sedentariness, isolation, disconnection, and of course, stress.
Recognizing the Limits: When Enough is Truly Enough
Not long ago, I realized that the single greatest source of stress in my life was my own reluctance to say “no” to myriad invitations. I’ve spent countless hours going places I didn’t want to go, doing things I didn’t want to do. Meetings where my presence wasn’t necessary or useful. Parties and conferences full of people I didn’t know or care to know. Lunches, dinners, and coffees with relative strangers wanting to “pick my brain.” As these sorts of commitments compounded in my life, I found myself stressed, burnt out, and ripe for another mood episode.
The final straw for me was a growing number of requests to speak about my latest book at Zoom events during the pandemic — nearly all of which I genuinely wanted to attend, but many of which also started at 8 p.m. or later, where I live. Normally, I start winding down at 8, and I’m in bed by 9:30. But these events invariably wound me up, making it harder to get to sleep before midnight. As a result, I found myself spiraling up into a hypomanic episode. I couldn’t keep doing events that late in the evening if I wanted to get and stay well.
The Unexpected Benefits of Saying ‘No’
So I started saying “no,” explaining that such events were simply too late for me. The result? No one called me rude or arrogant, or mean. Rather, many event organizers offered to change the time for my convenience. I had never even considered this to be a possibility, somehow forgetting a lesson I learned long ago: ask for what you want. Thankfully, saying “no” and explaining its reasoning essentially had the same effect.
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Furthermore, I didn’t just say “no” to things I would have wanted to do on a different schedule. I also declined plenty of things I simply didn’t want to do at all, things that failed to align with my main personal priorities: love, justice, artistic creation, and joy.
Sure, some opportunities fell through too. But no one got angry when I made it clear I needed to put my mental health first.
Naturally, I know I miss out on a whole lot going to sleep so early (social events, family obligations, etc.). But I also know that if I don’t, mania can creep in, causing me to miss out on far more.
We all face this dilemma in different forms in our personal and professional lives — which is why it’s worth remembering that there’s nothing inherently impertinent or insensitive about saying “no.” Setting reasonable boundaries and respecting our own priorities is essential to our mental health. Far from being self-centered or ill-mannered, saying “no” is one of the most gracious gifts we can give ourselves.
UPDATED: Printed as “The Power of ‘No,’” Fall 2022