One man reflects on severe bipolar depression and what helped him find stability.
Bipolar depression has affected every part of my life. During my most severe episodes, I struggled to get through even the most basic parts of the day. I also experienced a complete loss of meaning and purpose, along with periods of suicidal thinking.
Early Signs of Bipolar Depression in My Teens
My introduction to bipolar depression began unexpectedly in my early teens. That episode felt different from the sadness or disappointment I had experienced before. It was more intense, lasted about two weeks, and seemed to have no clear cause. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t shake it. Any sense of self-worth I’d had before that episode seemed to disappear completely.
As I grew into adulthood, depression remained the part of bipolar disorder that I experienced most intensely, although I also had hypomanic episodes. A few memories may help show what those depressive episodes felt like from the inside.
Inside My Bipolar Depressive Episodes
One day, while I was in the depths of a severe depressive episode, my thoughts kept telling me that I was a hopeless failure. As a result, I found myself crying often, which was unlike me.
On another occasion, I found myself aimlessly driving around for hours until, by chance, I pulled into a mall parking garage. As I entered the mall, a rush of shoppers seemed to close in around me, carrying me along until I felt so tired, overwhelmed, and disoriented that I had to sit down. Sitting there, I searched my mind for some trace of who I was, but all I found was an empty shell.
At other times, it felt like invisible walls surrounded me, keeping me isolated and disconnected from the outside world. Time hardly seemed to move. One minute felt like an hour, and an hour felt like a day. I was conscious of my surroundings, but those walls kept me from connecting with anyone.
I tried using logic, positive thinking, and other techniques to break free from that depression. “All you need to do,” I told myself, “is be a man, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and get on with life.” But nothing worked. Even when I gave it everything I had, my efforts felt small compared with the force that held me captive.
The only things that offered brief moments of relief were working as an actor and dancer, expressing myself through painting and writing, and losing myself in calm, beautiful music.
What Helped Me Begin to Find Stability
I can only speak from my own experience. The following approaches were not quick fixes, and they are not meant to replace medical advice. They were forms of support that helped me begin to find stability.
Finding a Doctor Who Specializes in Mood Disorders
One afternoon, after listening to my story, a friend who also lives with bipolar disorder offered to help me make an appointment with her doctor, who specializes in mood disorders.
Unlike the doctors I’d seen in the past, this specialist first gave me several detailed forms that asked about my past and present physical health, family background, and the history of my symptoms, including when they began.
Following a thorough assessment, the doctor diagnosed me with bipolar 2 disorder. He developed a treatment plan that included medication aimed at reducing the severity of my episodes and helping me become more stable. He also scheduled periodic blood tests and emphasized the importance of keeping my appointments with him.
Working With a Therapist to Change My Thinking
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) became one of the most important parts of my recovery process. Although the medication was reducing the severity of my episodes, years of bipolar depression had shaped how I thought, reacted, and viewed the world. My outlook had become pessimistic and cynical, and I sensed that medication alone would not change those patterns.
At my doctor’s recommendation, I sought out a therapist who had experience in treating people with bipolar disorder. Before my first appointment, I worried that therapy would be a waste of time and money. But my therapist, Frank, listened patiently, answered my questions, and helped me feel at ease. I left that first session believing that someone might actually be able to help me.
During the five years I worked with Frank, I appreciated the way he guided rather than lectured me. CBT helped me develop new ways of thinking about and responding to life’s challenges, which gradually led to changes in my behavior.
Problems did not disappear overnight. I tripped, stumbled, and made numerous mistakes along the way. But with the tools I was learning and a lot of hard work, I gradually began to change.
Finding Support From Others With Bipolar Disorder
One of the greatest benefits I found in bipolar support groups was hearing other people describe their progress. Their experiences gave me hope that I might also find greater stability.
I made several important discoveries about myself through those groups:
- I felt less alone. It was comforting to know that I was not the only person struggling with bipolar disorder.
- I could speak freely. I had the freedom to express my innermost thoughts and feelings honestly, without shame, embarrassment, or criticism, which was truly liberating.
- I learned from my peers. Listening to others explain how they handled guilt, negative thinking, isolation, and the stigma they encountered gave me ideas to consider in my own life.
- I recognized some of my personal barriers. I became more aware of how hopelessness, self-blame, and difficulty putting helpful strategies into practice could keep me feeling stuck.
Daily Strategies That Helped on My Path to Stability
For me, no single treatment or source of support was enough on its own. My ability to function and find greater stability improved when I made use of several forms of support, including medical care, therapy, peer support, and daily coping strategies.
The following are not instructions for anyone else or a promise that the same approaches will produce the same results. These are simply some of the small, short-term goals I experimented with in my own life:
- I maintained a regular wake-up time. For at least three weeks, I used an alarm clock to wake up at the same time every day, whether I felt like it or not. I found that repetition helped me build a more consistent routine.
- I made changes to my diet. I experimented with reducing my intake of foods high in refined carbohydrates or sugar for a month. I then paid attention to how I felt physically and made adjustments based on my own experience.
- I found ways to express myself creatively. I tried various forms of self-expression, such as drawing, painting, sculpting, and writing. This added a positive dimension to my life.
- I cared for something outside myself. I found it helpful to care for another person or an animal, or to volunteer for an organization that mattered to me. This shifted some of my attention away from my symptoms and gave me a sense of purpose. It also helped strengthen my sense of worth as a person.
- I challenged my negative self-talk. I practiced replacing negative self-talk with more constructive thoughts. Rather than telling myself, “I can’t do that,” I tried saying, “I’ll try to do that.” I then reinforced that idea by reminding myself of things I had accomplished that I once believed I couldn’t do.
Finding Hope in My Own Progress
The balance and productivity I enjoy today remind me that stability is possible, even after severe bipolar depression. For me, it was never simply a matter of willpower. Finding the right supports, staying engaged in treatment, and taking manageable steps helped make the pain less intense — even when I could not yet imagine feeling better.
If you or a loved one is experiencing significant distress or having thoughts about suicide and needs support, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24/7. If you need immediate help, call 911.