When I think back on the different roles I’ve
played throughout my lifetime, I realize that I’ve evolved and changed throughout
the years. My life has as many chapters as a James Patterson novel. Some
chapters were short and forgotten long ago, while others have woven a theme
throughout my book of life.
Jim and I were so young when we married. I was 18
and he was 24. Times were different then than now. We grew up faster than the
following generations. Vietnam took many who had just graduated high school,
and some of my classmates were already slogging through the jungle getting shot
at and becoming old before their time.
As my life evolved into being a wife and a
mother-to-be, Jim went back to being a soldier. We had been married on Jim’s
R&R, and his role changed to husband and father-to-be. He still had a year
to serve when he returned to the world, and he went through another transition,
but brought his demons with him.
Throughout the years of our married life, Jim
suffered from PTSD, depression, occasional paranoia, and complete mental
breakdowns. Alternately, he could be loving, creative, sensitive, and generous
to a fault. The one trait that never changed was his love of, and loyalty to,
family.
I became a caregiver during the final chapter of
Jim’s life. Nothing is sadder or more heartbreaking than watching someone you
love disappear into the clutches of dementia. We faced a new battle together as
Jim’s personality, ability to communicate, and his sense of self diminished
into a shadow of the person he once was. Yet, sometimes, he surprised those
around him with a look in his eyes, or a slight smile as he held a secret he
couldn’t share verbally, and returning a hug or a kiss.
We lost the battle to dementia twenty-five years
ago, but Jim’s memory still lives, and the next chapter was learning to live
alone. I had already lived five years alone while Jim was in the nursing home,
but that was followed with another nine years living in the house Jim and I
built.
I remarried in 2014 and Harold and I celebrated
our 10th wedding anniversary in August. As we aged, we both had our
share of health issues. Harold’s health was worse than mine, and I found myself
in a caregiving role without the benefit of being young. When Harold passed
away, I found myself a widow for the second time.
The truth I discovered was that losing my spouse
was harder this time. I suppose there is a complicated psychological reason, or
reasons, for this difference in my ability to bounce back from the grief. The
only thing I am sure of is that I don’t want to go through this again. I don’t
think I can go through it again.
I’m adjusting to the new normal. I have begun to
participate in activities I enjoy. I want to spend more time with family and
friends.
I embrace my responsibilities to the land and home
that are in my care. It’s true that you never know how strong you are until you
have to be.
I’m working on resolving some of my own health
issues, and want to make the most of the next chapter of my life. Some days
everything goes smoothly, and other days, I have to place a bookmark and start
fresh the next day.
S. Fisher
http://earlyonset.blogspot.com
#ENDALZ