During the past 18 years, I have enjoyed life in full recovery from schizophrenia, though I was told initially that this could never happen.
Following years of suffering from debilitating schizophrenia, my journey to working again was rough. Ironically, my first symptoms in 1999 at age 17 included a strong obsession with work and school, with very little time left for friends or family. Oddly, as my illness progressed, the opposite happened. I gradually found myself unable to study or work.
Looking back years later, from a place of stable recovery, I ask myself, why could I not handle even a part-time or low-stress job? I understand today that this was because I was experiencing certain symptoms of schizophrenia, namely delusions, paranoia, and catatonia, which left me disabled.
Delusions
In 2002, the fall semester of my senior year of college, I began to believe I would become a prophet and was destined to be a billionaire. My racing mind believed I could change the lives of millions living in poverty across Africa.
Delusions, in my experience, are not simply passing thoughts, but are fixed, false beliefs. Never in my life have I been so obsessed with anything as I was with delusions. This made it difficult to focus on anything else, even for a few minutes. I remember trying to study for a class and not being able to read the words on the page, though I had no insight into my illness.
I was also delusional later on about being homeless. For weeks at a time, I wore a green dress, which became filthy. When I wandered around my former university campus, I’m sure I stood out, but I told myself that no one noticed. It would have been impossible to attend a job interview in my filthy clothing and worn shoes. Even if I had managed to find clean clothes, when I met with people during this time of my life, I would often stand up and just leave without warning and for no apparent reason, except that the voices in my mind told me to. If I had tried to attend a job interview, after a few minutes, it is likely I would have walked away.
Paranoia
During this time of my life, I was paranoid (unreasonably and obsessively anxious and mistrustful), believing that if I did find a job, my family and friends might find me and try to harm me in some way, even though throughout my life, they had always been supportive and loving. I never believed that I was being followed by the FBI, CIA, or other government entity. But today, as I work with people struggling with schizophrenia, some report that they cannot work because they hear other people whispering about them in the background, which distracts them.
Catatonia
It is hard to describe catatonia, but it felt a little like exhaustion. Perhaps like being awake for two days without any sleep, leaving me unable to function. I felt at a loss to move my body, as though I was stuck both physically and mentally. I didn’t even want to walk a few steps to grab a drink or a snack. I might sit in a park for four or five hours, sometimes more. I would daydream about the great things I was going to do for Africa as I stared into the distance. This catatonia wasted huge amounts of my time each day; I literally did not have the time to work a job. I was unable to even manage the bare necessities of my life.
Moving to recovery
In March of 2007, my life was radically changed by an involuntary hospitalization, where I would begin antipsychotic medication. The medication soon eliminated my delusions and paranoia, and I would never be homeless again. But I would continue to struggle with catatonia, which my first medication even made a little worse. Fortunately, after enduring 12 terrible months of failed medication trials and being identified as treatment resistant, I tried the underutilized medication clozapine and was a responder. After a few months on the medication, my catatonia was cured, and my life, in a sense, was unlocked from schizophrenia.
Moving forward
When I speak with families who have a loved one improving on antipsychotics, I first encourage the development of friendships to promote socialization. For people wanting to return to school, I encourage them to read widely and try to remember what they read. Finally, I encourage them to try school or work again. I do not suggest full-time work or school at the beginning. In my case, during the first semester of college following my recovery, I took one class only, genetics. But I came through with an A, which gave me the confidence to take on more classes. I graduated two years later magna cum laude.
Pacing myself for success
As I work successfully today, I recognize the key importance of always staying on my antipsychotic medication, never skipping a dose. Pacing myself is also important. I usually work fewer than six hours a day, but I do stay busy on weekends. I travel extensively for work, and am not as productive when I’m tired following a trip.
Personal Perspectives Essential Reads
Unfortunately, people living with schizophrenia, like me, are often told they will never recover, and definitely never work. I empathize with these people, knowing how it felt to experience symptoms of schizophrenia and feel hopeless. But the reality today is that many people with schizophrenia will work and will make a difference as contributing citizens in our community. The important things were for me to find a treatment plan that worked best for me, to challenge myself, and never give up.