Sometimes, bipolar depression makes us feel as if we’re chained to the bed. Here’s how I break free and keep moving forward.
Walking back to work from lunch one day, I passed the ad agency where I worked years ago when I first experienced depression. I stopped dead in my tracks. Looking up at those windows, I couldn’t believe how far I’d come since that time — yet I remembered what it felt like as if it were yesterday.
They brought me in as a freelancer, paid me a lot, I produced, and all was good. Until the anxiety attacks, mania, hallucinations, and depression kicked in.
Back then, it took my mother over an hour every morning to convince me to get out of bed and go to work. When bipolar depression made getting out of bed feel impossible, holding down a job — and meeting my financial responsibilities — felt just as impossible. Once I left the apartment, walking into the building was a whole other process. I survived by hiding in my office and keeping a low profile.
Coping With Bipolar Anxiety in the Workplace
One day my creative director called me into his office. I was so anxious, my heart was jumping up and down like a manic frog trying to escape my chest.
Standing there, sweating, I hoped he was going to put me out of my misery and just get rid of me. Not quite. He wanted to book me for the whole summer — at a higher rate.
It was a lot of money for pretty straightforward work. But, as he explained the project, my inner voice said, “As soon as I leave this room, I’m taking my backpack, going in the elevator, and never coming back.”
I really didn’t care about the pay. I just wanted to be free. No responsibility. So I nodded yes to his offer, ran out of the building, and kept on running.
I didn’t go back that day. Or any day. I let my “bipolar beast” get the best of me.
How I Manage Bipolar Symptoms While Working Full-Time
But things are different these days. I have a wife and two kids to support. For me personally, that responsibility acts as a driver: Even when depression hits, and I feel like I can’t get out of bed, I tell myself I have to get up and go earn a living. I know it’s not always that simple for everyone, but keeping my family at the front of my mind helps push me forward.
And if I have a panic attack at the office, I’m not running out of any building. I can’t afford to lose my job, because if I don’t earn enough money, my kids won’t eat, and they’ll walk around barefoot.
As tough as my road has been, I’ve picked up a few ways of coping with my mental illness in the work world. These aren’t magic fixes, and they may not work for everybody, but they’re the things that have helped me get through severe bipolar depression and intense anxiety when I still had to show up for work. Here are just three:
1. Find Workplace Allies for Mental Health Support
When my depression or anxiety is severe, having office allies is at the top of my list. Opening up to a coworker takes serious guts. But when you do, there’s nothing more comforting than knowing there’s somebody nearby to help me get through it when I start having a panic attack in a meeting.
2. Work With a Psychologist to Manage Workplace Stress
When I’m really struggling, being able to see my psychologist during the day can be key for me. No matter how fast my heart beats, my mind spirals, and my head sweats, I always feel better when I leave.
3. Maintain an Effective Bipolar Treatment Plan
For me, staying on a treatment plan that works is essential when symptoms are severe. I see my psychiatrist regularly to report on my moods, my meds, and any side effects.
And I’ve experienced them all — from my hands shaking while holding notes during presentations, to blurry vision, to sky-high anxiety.
When something isn’t working, I work directly with my psychiatrist to reassess it. We keep fine-tuning the combination — antidepressants, mood stabilizers, sleep aids, anti-anxiety meds, ADHD treatments — until we get it right.
How to Keep Your Job While Managing Bipolar Disorder
Besides quitting a few agencies over the years, I’ve only missed a handful of days of work. Ninety percent of the time, I’ve found my inner strength — and relied on my strategies — so I don’t run out of meetings or flee buildings.
But one year, when I was spiraling and worried about my job security, I had my psychiatrist fill out medical accommodation forms and write a letter to HR. Documenting my condition gave me a crucial safety net — protecting my rights under employment law and ensuring I could access disability benefits if I ever needed to step away.
Living with bipolar disorder makes getting up and out the door in the morning infinitely more complicated.
But on the days when I’m frozen at my desk, panicking, I look down at my phone screen. Seeing a photo of my family smiling back at me reminds me why I show up every day. It gives me the strength to push through — day after day, no matter what bipolar throws at me.
UPDATED: Printed as “Get Going When You Can’t Get Up,” Summer 2012