Living with bipolar disorder has taught me to pursue self-awareness and stability, not a perfect or permanent recovery.
Based on my life experiences living alongside a serious and persistent mental health condition like bipolar disorder, I find the concept of “recovery” tricky and elusive. It’s something we all desire when trying to survive the disruption and discord that accompany any type of brain-based disorder or chronic psychological stress.
In one sense, feeling better can bring blissful relief, bolstering my confidence in managing my bipolar disorder. It also eases the anxiety of an uncertain future, where I often feel like a hostage to brain chemistry that isn’t functioning correctly.
Yet, more than once, I’ve allowed myself to grow dangerously comfortable with my state of recovery. On the surface, I function at a respectable level. But at times, I lose sight of the subtle shifts — those that follow my hypomania or signal my descent into depression.
Overconfidence in Bipolar’s Episodic Recovery
I’ve learned I must tread carefully, as bouts of recovery can make my bipolar and past trauma feel distant, almost like a nightmare that never happened.
I’ve found myself in this overly confident position more than once, where I progressively fail to recognize clear patterns in my symptoms. Instead, I sustain a deeply suppressed denial as I strive to be “normal” — or, perhaps more accurately, empowered by my bipolar disorder rather than inhibited by it.
Recognizing Signs of Impending Manic Episodes
Although each manic episode is unique — shaped more by time and circumstance than emotion — I, like many others with episodic mental health conditions, am subject to recurring themes and comorbidities.
Personally, I experience bouts of religiosity and philosophical thinking, the kind that can keep me awake at night till nearly sunrise. My racing thoughts become cyclical, turning into endless, inescapable dialectical arguments in my head: “Yes” is “no,” “no” is “yes,” everything seems connected, and I become convinced that the conspiracy of humanity isn’t intentional but the byproduct of generations of influencers and the influenced.
It’s the rise and fall of trends and “norms” that branch out in unusual ways — for better or worse — and ultimately shape the course of history and the present.
Preventing Mania and Psychosis to Maintain My Grip on Reality
I’m grateful that my manic episodes don’t sneak up on me and that I can sense the impending storm on the horizon.
My past experiences with psychosis, and the trauma they caused have ingrained a lasting lesson. This awareness has led me to rush to action to prevent the full manifestation of a full-blown manic episode, despite how good it feels.
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Getting swept up in the euphoria and feelings of enlightenment, however tempting, is a surefire way to miss the opportunity to hold my grip on reality before I lose both my voice and perspective.
Redefining the Goal of Stability
I also feel that the concept of recovery — this notion of long-lasting stability — misrepresents my true goal in living beside my bipolar.
It’s not about trying to recover from it. I firmly believe this mental health condition is a unique and intimate part of my personality.
I don’t know what my life would be like without it, nor do I spend time fantasizing about the life I would have led if I didn’t have this brain-based disorder.
Recovery and Stability Misrepresent How I Live With Bipolar
In short, I strive less for “recovery” and more for the ability to be the champion of my bipolar — to accept its ongoing presence, to learn how to ride the waves of episodes without drowning, and to find strength in my triumphs and wisdom in my setbacks.
Empathy Arises From Bipolar’s Unpredictability
We cannot deny the reality of bipolar disorder — it has no cure and will always linger inside of us. Yet, in a way that is rarely celebrated, this condition can grant those of us who experience it a deep sense of empathy for others. It offers a heightened understanding and sensitivity that is not easily found in those unfamiliar with an unpredictable life.
We shouldn’t overlook the possibility that our unique insight into this unpredictable journey might enrich not only our own lives but also contribute to the diversity of human understanding — perhaps in ways we may never fully realize.
UPDATED: Originally posted September 20, 2017