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Bipolar disorder can strain even strong bonds, but understanding, support, and mutual commitment can help rebuild trust.
Key Takeaways
- Consistent treatment and personal accountability can help repair relationships strained by bipolar disorder.
- Rebuilding trust takes time, honest communication, and commitment from both people.
- Clear boundaries can reduce conflict and help protect important relationships.
- Not every relationship can be repaired, and healing may mean accepting what you can’t change.
If only life came with a reset button. One push and voilà: Relationships unraveled by the behaviors of bipolar disorder would knit themselves back together.
Of course, it’s not that easy to mend what’s broken — but it’s not impossible, either. What bipolar symptoms put asunder, effort and understanding may repair. However, getting an accurate diagnosis is only the starting point. A label alone doesn’t fix a fractured bond; real repair requires ongoing medical treatment, personal accountability, and a mutual commitment to rebuild trust step by step.
Navigating Separation and Reconciliation
When Barbara and her husband Gary separated after nearly 15 years of marriage, she was pretty sure the split would be permanent. Gary’s escalating bursts of rage, coupled with a growing emotional distance, had eroded the El Cerrito, California, couple’s bond to a thread.
Before Gary got his diagnosis of rapid-cycling bipolar 1, Barbara interpreted his out-of-touch reactions as impatience and lack of sympathy, especially after her father died. When Barbara had to store boxes of her father’s belongings in the garage, Gary complained there was no room for his car.
That sense of disconnection deepened in the months that followed, as Gary’s angry tirades grew more frequent and extreme. Looking back, Gary sees a combination of causes: extreme work stress, untreated sleep apnea, and antidepressants prescribed for unipolar depression a few years earlier.
Getting an accurate diagnosis shortly after they separated opened the door for real improvement — and for the couple’s reconciliation two years later.
The Prerequisite for Healing: Treatment and Personal Accountability
With a background in psychology as a medical writer and her own experience managing depression and anxiety, Barbara didn’t view Gary’s bipolar diagnosis as a deal-breaker. The key was whether Gary actively managed the illness.
“I was really impressed with how Gary made a lot of effort to get better,” Barbara recalls. “He was really good about medication. If any symptoms cropped up, like depression, he would talk to his psychiatrist about it. He became much more emotionally engaged once he was treated.”
Experts emphasize that healing a relationship strained by mood swings often begins with the person with bipolar actively working to maintain stability.
“In order to have a healthy relationship, you have to take care of yourself,” says clinical psychologist Cynthia G. Last, PhD, author of When Someone You Love Is Bipolar: Help and Support for You and Your Partner. “It’s not your fault that you’ve got the illness, but it is your responsibility to take care of it.”
Dr. Last understands this dynamic from both sides. In her mid-thirties, before she was correctly diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and engaged in treatment, she left her husband for a year.
When something of that magnitude occurs, she says, the person who’s been wronged has some work to do if the relationship is to survive. Last gives her husband’s understanding attitude and nurturing spirit a great deal of credit for their marriage’s longevity.
“The injured party is not going to forget it, but they need to get past it,” Last notes. “And the only way to get past it is to find a solution so it doesn’t happen again.”
Rebuilding Trust Through Patience and Communication
During their separation, Barbara and Gary saw a couples counselor weekly and gradually tested the waters with casual dates, slowly rebuilding confidence in their bond.
“At times we felt almost hostile toward each other,” Gary admits regarding their shared struggles with depression. “The only thing that could keep us going was knowing from experience that we would feel different later.”
Though Gary still experiences periods of withdrawal or depression, Barbara notes that they no longer allow unspoken tension to linger.
“We are very honest with each other,” she says. “That’s one thing we fall back on. We’re open about talking about our issues, whether in therapy or other ways.”
Open communication also brought Sheryl and her best friend back together after three years of silence. The two had lived across the street from each other in rural Minnesota for years before their connection severed.
Sheryl took six years after her bipolar 2 diagnosis to get serious about treatment. Meanwhile, her neighbor — who also lived with bipolar — pulled back to protect her own mental stability.
“She never came out and said, ‘I have to cut it off,’” Sheryl says. “She just stopped [being around]. And mania is such an egotistical thing, I never noticed.”
It was only after unmanaged mood swings nearly cost Sheryl her home and custody of her children that she fully embraced medication, counseling, and coping strategies. Once stable, she reached out.
“It was baby steps,” Sheryl explains. “A five-minute phone call here, touching base … building up a rapport again, and finally sitting down and asking, ‘What happened?’”
Today, the pair acts as a dedicated support system for one another, stepping in during depressive episodes or watching each other’s children.
“To think I almost lost the one person I can sit and talk to for an hour,” Sheryl muses. “I almost lost that good friendship because of not taking care of myself.”
Understanding Emotional Reactions in Bipolar Relationships
Misunderstood or unmastered emotions can also play a major role in severing bonds. That’s what happened when Annette, of Nova Scotia, stopped speaking to the sister she’d felt closest to.
Annette, in her early fifties, says her volatility damaged many relationships before her bipolar 2 diagnosis. What soured things with her sister was Annette’s reputation for blowing things out of proportion. When a family friend behaved nastily toward Annette, her sister assumed Annette was overreacting, leading Annette to angrily break off contact.
During three years apart, Annette got her diagnosis and began cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to understand her emotional reactions.
“Before, the only feelings I knew were mad, upset, or okay,” she says. “I didn’t know all the levels of hurt and anger. If I was mad, I couldn’t realize it was really because I was hurt. I just let things build up until I was angry.”
When Annette finally reached out, the sisters rebuilt a bond stronger than before through “communication, forgiveness, and understanding.”
How Boundaries Can Help Prevent Relationship Conflict
Managing the illness addresses root causes, but partners often need practical safety measures in place to move forward.
Last explains this might mean setting financial boundaries during manic episodes — such as cutting off credit cards — or writing an agreement to stick to a treatment plan.
“To get past lingering hurt, anger, and mistrust, the partner without bipolar may need support from a pastor, therapist, or support group,” adds Last. “And it will take time to heal.”
Safeguarding a connection also means knowing when to step back temporarily to prevent damage. Charlie, of Kansas, stays in regular contact with his adult son, but shields their bond when mood shifts occur.
“When I feel depression or impulsivity coming on, I tend to stay away,” Charlie explains. “I’ll have just brief contacts, keep it simple and uninvolved.”
Annette relies on similar preventative strategies. When rage flares, she uses deep breathing, takes brisk walks, or writes privately until the feeling passes.
“When I feel that rage burning, I can at least see through the haze a little bit and realize the consequences,” she says. “Prevention is much easier than damage control.”
Stepping away can also mean recognizing when a relationship itself is harmful. Sheryl ended one romantic relationship she felt was an “energy suck.”
“It’s a matter of measuring how much stress you can take in a relationship,” Sheryl explains. “Every relationship has stress. … It’s how much stress versus the benefits.”
Finding Acceptance When Reconciliation Is Not Possible
Despite your best efforts, sincere apologies, and commitment to treatment, not every relationship unraveled by bipolar disorder can — or should — be restored. Reconciliation is a two-way street.
Charlie sees this clearly when comparing the mothers of his two children.
When Charlie walked out shortly before his daughter was born in the 1980s during an undiagnosed episode, his ex-wife shut down all communication about his illness. That unyielding mindset carried down to his adult daughter, who remains estranged today.
By contrast, his son’s mother worked past her bitterness after their divorce, learned about his bipolar 2 diagnosis, and actively supported shared custody.
“I apologized, but it really happened because of who she was and what she wanted as much as me trying to make things better,” Charlie reflects. “You can’t repair a relationship if the other side doesn’t want to.”
Sheryl faced a similar heartache with her eldest son, who moved away at age 13 during her unmanaged illness and has made it clear he isn’t interested in bridging the gap.
Tallying up lost relationships can unleash grief, regret, and guilt. For Sheryl, recovery meant learning not to dwell on what the illness cost her.
“I do believe in a sincere apology, and in some relationships it will go a long way,” Sheryl says. “In others, maybe not so much. But if an apology is not accepted, you need to be able to walk away for the moment and not let it hinder your progress.”
Ultimately, healing requires a balance: taking full responsibility for past mistakes, committing relentlessly to ongoing treatment, and granting both yourself and the other person the grace of acceptance when a bond cannot be remade.
UPDATED: Originally printed as “Mending Relationships,” Winter 2011