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Self-care supports stability best when it also respects other people’s needs, boundaries, and feelings.
With bipolar disorder, it can be difficult to distinguish between “self-care” and “selfishness.”
In my mind, “self-care” is recognizing my self-worth enough to take care of my personal needs while considering and respecting the needs of those around me. “Selfishness,” on the other hand, is acting in my own self-interest, believing that I am entitled to behave a certain way, and who cares about others?
It can be especially confusing when symptoms affect things like energy, judgment, communication, or even our ability to see how our actions affect others. This does not mean that people living with bipolar disorder are selfish. Instead, mood symptoms can sometimes lead to misunderstandings and, at times, real hurt. These situations deserve honesty, repair, and support.
Writing is cathartic — a way to “clean the cupboards,” learn more about myself, track my bipolar disorder symptoms and stability, and empathize with others. I consider it an exercise in self-care.
But it’s surprising how quickly this particular exercise in self-care recently turned into an act of selfishness.
Self-Care vs. Selfishness: Key Differences
To me, self-care means meeting a real need while also paying attention to how my actions affect others. It might involve resting, setting boundaries, asking for help, taking medication as directed, going to therapy, or walking away before I say something I’ll regret.
Selfishness happens when my own wants become so important that I ignore someone else’s needs, time, feelings, or boundaries. It’s not always easy to tell the difference in the moment, especially when my mood is off. Still, the impact is important.
How Mania Can Lead to Self-Centered Behavior
One time, my husband and I took a day trip near the Grand Canyon’s North Rim. We had arranged to explore the back hunting roads and forests of fir, birch, and aspen trees, see some wildlife, and enjoy each other’s company.
Around this time, I was working with my editor to finalize an essay. The deadline was fast approaching, so I figured I’d chat with her on my cell phone during our drive. Reception was awful, and my editor and I could barely carry on a conversation as my husband drove around hell-and-gone — 8,000 feet up — trying to find a signal.
As the minutes passed, I became hypomanic, irritable, worried, and anxious.
RELATED: Bipolar Self-Care: Daily Habits to Support Stability
At last, my husband located a wildfire lookout tower stretching 100 feet into the sky. We climbed the tower, and I finally found a strong signal. I connected with my editor and carried on a productive conversation. Ironically, at the end of our call, she and I both realized that we easily could have covered everything in an email.
I turned my attention to my husband once again — and he was mad. A day we’d planned as self-care had turned into one where I acted selfishly.
I had changed my focus from a peaceful journey to urgent demands by telling myself the call was necessary for my well-being and my work. I felt guilty and very sad — not only for angering my husband, but also for understanding that my selfish behavior had served no positive end for either of us.
How Depression Can Also Affect Perceptions of Selfishness
We all know how quickly moods can shift. If we’re not mindful, we can end up stuck on a hamster wheel between self-care and selfishness.
People living with bipolar who are in a more depressive cycle often believe they don’t deserve to focus on their own stability journey. They think they don’t deserve to take care of their personal needs or accept help from others. In their minds, to do so would be selfish — because that would take attention away from someone more “worthy” of help.
Depression can affect how people see us. When we withdraw, cancel plans, have trouble replying, or need more rest, others might think we are being selfish. In reality, we may be dealing with low energy, shame, sadness, or feeling overwhelmed. This is why it helps to communicate clearly when we can.
How to Practice Healthy Self-Care Without Hurting Others
Those who are experiencing mania, hypomania, or mixed symptoms, on the other hand, sometimes presume that they deserve everything — or that every impulse is urgent enough to act on right away. It’s possible that when people are in a manic phase, they may not recognize that they are being selfish. Or, they may see their behavior clearly, but just not care.
Who can forget the saying, “Step on a crack, break your mother’s back”?
Stepping carefully around the cracks becomes a dance of self-care as you learn balance, control, and grace. Walking the sidewalk toward wellness — and learning to trust the ability to heal without the arrogance of selfishness — may be one of the toughest coping skills to master.
RELATED: Bipolar Disorder: How to Prioritize Your Self-Care
On my Grand Canyon outing, clearly, I didn’t pay much attention to my behavior initially. Yet I did take full responsibility for it.
After my call, my husband and I drove through the forest to salvage our day trip. It was very hard for both of us, though, because my mood and behavior had changed three times in as many hours.
Finding My Way Back to Self-Care
Eventually, we finally came to a hunting road, pulled onto the dirt, and saw the forest open, revealing a beautiful meadow. We walked to the top of the meadow, looking down the gentle slope at the wildflowers, grasses, and low-alpine moss. The trees enveloped us.
Sitting in silence for some time, breathing deeply and slowly, I started to feel more at ease — and I knew I was caring well for myself and embodying self-care.
UPDATED: Originally printed as “Newbie Notes: Is Self-Care Selfish?” Spring 2010