Revealing your bipolar diagnosis to a romantic partner is a deeply personal decision. Here’s how to approach the conversation with care and confidence.
Starting a new romantic relationship is often an exciting time — experiencing new feelings, broadening your horizons, and learning about each other is often thrilling. Then there are the exciting dates, the longing to see each other again, and the lengthy phone calls or messages where you feel comfortable sharing every detail about your lives.
But for someone with bipolar disorder, that last one might give pause. Every detail?
- How do you know if a relationship can bear such a big revelation?
- When is the right time to have such a conversation?
- And what are the possible outcomes of sharing something so significant?
Because my husband and I learned I have bipolar disorder at the same time — when I was diagnosed at age 35 — I never faced that particular question. But I have had revelatory conversations with employers, professors, and friends when the need for one became clear.
The Best Time to Disclose Your Bipolar Diagnosis
If the word “love” is making its way into more and more conversations with your partner, it may be time to have this serious conversation about your bipolar diagnosis. When a relationship begins to feel serious, it’s usually a sign that deep topics should be safe to discuss. (I have found the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) particularly helpful when it comes to disclosing your diagnosis.)
Ideally, this conversation should happen when you’re not experiencing symptoms. Otherwise, it could lead to confusion or upset for your romantic partner — not to mention the added stress it might place on your mental health if you try to explain yourself while you’re not at your best.
For example, I was open with my professor in my MFA program about my condition early on. Later, she understood when I was scheduled to speak to the class about my writing but needed her to rearrange the schedule because I’d been hospitalized. I didn’t have to deal with confusion about why I needed the adjustment, which would have only complicated my already fragile emotional state.
When a Mood Episode Occurs Before You Reveal Your Bipolar Diagnosis
What if a mood episode or crisis happens before you’ve had a chance to discuss your bipolar?
First, let your partner know you acknowledge their questions, but ask for space to recover before talking. Keep the lines of communication open, but don’t feel forced into a conversation you’re not ready for.
3 Signs That It’s Time to Share Your Bipolar Diagnosis
Certain signs may indicate that your relationship is ready for a deep conversation about your bipolar diagnosis. These include:
1. You’re Considering Living Together
If you’re thinking about cohabitation, it’s important to let your significant other know how your condition might affect daily life — from unstable moods to difficulties managing your own activities of daily living.
2. You’re Considering Having Children
If conversations about having children are on the table, it’s only fair to disclose that bipolar disorder is a brain-based condition that can be passed down genetically. This allows your partner to make informed decisions about the future.
3. Your Bipolar Is Starting to Affect the Relationship
If you notice your condition impacting your relationship in any way, it’s time to talk about it further. Explaining puzzling aspects of your daily routine — such as taking medication or setting boundaries with family and friends — can help clear up confusion.
How to Prepare for the Aftermath of Sharing Your Bipolar Diagnosis
There are some potential outcomes when you share your bipolar diagnosis with your partner — including acceptance, confusion, or rejection. Here are some key points to consider:
- Avoid “mind reading.” Don’t jump to conclusions about what your partner is thinking, as this can create unrealistic expectations. Similarly, steering the conversation toward a preconceived outcome can lead to disappointment if things don’t go as imagined.
- “Sandwich” what you share. Consider using the “sandwich” technique: Share the hard information between two positive statements about your relationship. For example: “I feel so close to you now, like I can share anything with you. I need to tell you something important about myself. I have bipolar disorder, a mental health condition that causes my moods to fluctuate between mania and depression. I’m stable now, but since we seem to be on a path to a long-term relationship, I felt you needed this information. I love you and want the best for us.”
3. Ways Your Partner May React to the News of Your Bipolar Diagnosis
Even if you approach the conversation openly and honestly, your partner’s reaction may vary. Here are just three possible responses:
1. They Will Openly Accept Your Bipolar Diagnosis
Acceptance is the desired outcome. We hope that love and understanding will carry the relationship forward after such a revelation.
I remember fearing that my husband might struggle with my diagnosis. The fact that he rallied with me through the toughest moments strengthened our bond and brought me immense relief.
Acceptance often follows a series of questions, which would be best met with honesty about what bipolar looks like. Being upfront fosters trust, while withholding or misrepresenting information can lead to misunderstandings.
2. They Will Be Confused About Your Bipolar Diagnosis
Confusion is a realistic and understandable response. Think back to the shock you may have felt when first diagnosed — this can help you empathize with your partner’s perspective.
Patience is key. This challenging but necessary discussion can reveal a lot about your partner’s capacity for understanding and support.
My parents were initially confused, even blaming themselves for my depressed condition at the time. I had to explain that bipolar disorder is primarily genetic and not caused by relational factors. However, certain events — like a divorce or other stressors — can sometimes provoke a mood episode.
3. They May Distance Themselves or Want to End the Relationship
As with any important revelation, there’s a risk that your partner might pull back, either immediately or gradually. Even if they initially accept your diagnosis, they may later feel the relationship is no longer workable.
If this happens, reiterate your care for your significant other and your hope to continue the relationship. Continue to approach the situation with honesty about your mental health as the relationship evolves.
In her memoir An Unquiet Mind, Kay Redfield Jamison, PhD, recalls revealing her bipolar disorder to her lover, who was also a doctor, whose response was: “Oh, what rotten luck.” His words reflected the seriousness of the diagnosis, yet did not diminish her worth as a person.
Above All Else, Prioritize Your Well-Being
Relationships are a two-way street, and if your needs for support are not being met, it can devastate your well-being. Prioritize your stability and self-care above all else.
If your partner uses disparaging language or weaponizes your diagnosis, consider it a serious red flag. This may indicate the relationship has become toxic.
The key takeaways:
- Be as honest as you can about your condition.
- Remember that your partner’s reaction to your disclosure does not determine your worth as a person.
UPDATED: Originally posted January 31, 2022