Dating and relationship building: you’ve finally admitted you’re a mismatch magnet, and had enough. You were curious when you saw “attachment style” in a headline the other day, so you typed it in: “What is my attachment style?” You left out “and why should I care?” — for now.
Bowlby believed the emotional bonds we did or didn’t form with our caregivers in childhood have an extraordinary lifelong impact.
Introduction
Whether you’re in a stable committed relationship, hoping to be, or the one you’re in is rocky, knowing something about attachment theory can come in handy.
Especially important is knowing your attachment style. And it’s no surprise that the foundation for our style — how we function in a relationship — was laid during our early developmental years. Adult attachment mirrors childhood patterns.
Now, some would claim that without insight into your attachment style — and your current or future partner’s — the relationship has two strikes against it. I wouldn’t go that far, given so many factors build a stable relationship. Still, it’s a good idea to get to know your attachment style and visit with it on occasion.
Onward……
What is attachment theory?
Dr. Edward John Mostyn Bowlby
British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby developed attachment theory in the mid-20th century. It’s believed to explain how humans form strong emotional bonds with key individuals to help manage stress, fear, and uncertainty.
Bowlby believed the emotional bonds we did or didn’t form with our caregivers in childhood have an extraordinary lifelong impact.
Why?
He submitted we’re born with an innate drive to form attachments with our caregivers. To him, attachment was a product of an evolutionary process.
Central theme
The central theme of attachment theory…
Primary caregivers who are available and responsive to an infant’s needs allow a child to develop a sense of security. The infant knows that the caregiver is dependable, which creates a secure base for the child to then explore the world.
Mary Ainsworth
Then along came American-Canadian developmental psychologist and longtime Bowlby associate Mary Ainsworth, who expanded on Bowlby’s work. It was Ainsworth, from research conducted in one of her studies, who developed three of the four attachment styles we’re about to discuss.
Styles of attachment
Secure, Anxious-preoccupied, Dismissive-avoidant, Fearful-avoidant: What’s yours?
Before we dig in, are you comfortable with the assertion that the foundation of our current attachment style is that of our childhood? Try this one on for size. Does it make sense that, knowingly or not, we expect our relationship partner to act as our caregivers did? Because if that’s the case, we act the way we do in response to those expectations.
I’ve chosen “The Four Attachment Styles: How Each Pattern Shapes Relationships,” written by Seph Fontane Pennock and published on Psycholgy.com, as our information source.
Quick heads-up: If you do a search for attachment styles, you’ll find that the style names vary. It’s frustrating, so always check the information sources.
Okay, let’s get stylin’…
Secure: A pattern of relatively low attachment anxiety and avoidance, associated with comfort seeking and offering support. Those leaning toward secure are generally comfortable both depending on others and being depended on. They tend to trust that a partner will be there, handle conflict without catastrophizing, and recover from disagreements without long periods of doubt. Security is not the absence of relationship problems; it’s a baseline of trust that makes those problems easier to work through together.
Anxious-preoccupied: Centers on high attachment anxiety. People with this style tend to want a great deal of closeness, read a lot into small signs of distance, and feel a strong pull toward reassurance when a partner seems less available. The underlying fear is abandonment, and the underlying strength is often deep attentiveness and devotion to those they love.
Dismissive-avoidant: Centers on high attachment avoidance. People with this style tend to prize independence, feel most at ease when they are not too reliant on anyone, and pull back when a relationship asks for more emotional exposure than feels comfortable. The underlying strength is self-reliance and calm under pressure; the cost can be a partner feeling shut out.
Fearful-avoidant: Combines high anxiety with high avoidance. People with this style often want closeness intensely and also find it frightening, which can produce a push and pull pattern of pursuing a partner and then withdrawing.
So what do you think? Were you in some way able to identify with any of them? Keep in mind, it’s common to recognize a little of yourself in more than one description, especially before thinking carefully about a specific relationship.
And how about this from the author…
The point of reading all four is less about finding a perfect match and more about noticing which pulls toward closeness, toward distance, toward reassurance, and feels most familiar in your own life.
What’s your attachment style?
Well, are you curious? If you’d like to know your attachment style, check out “Attachment Style Quiz: See Whether You Lean Secure, Anxious, or Avoidant” on Psychiatry.com.
Reason enough to care
And there you have them — attachment styles. You know, they’re the perfect attention grabbers: “What’s your IQ?” “Only geniuses get five right.” “What’s your attachment style?” — who doesn’t want to engage?
But hopefully you can see that attachment theory and styles cut much deeper than that. I mean, how many places in the present can you observe the real you in the past?
That’s reason enough to care.
Our attachment styles source: “The Four Attachment Styles: The Four Attachment Styles: How Each Pattern Shapes Your Relationships” from Psychology.com
And, hey, review the Chipur emotional and mental illness info and inspiration titles on the articles page — or by category below, right sidebar on desktop. We’ll both appreciate it.
John Bowlby image courtesy TN: Fair use
After a decades-long wrestling match with emotional and mental illness, Bill finally found his professional and personal passion – life’s meaning. He wanted to lend a hand to those struggling as he did, so off he went to grad school at age 49 and earned his counseling credentials. He continues his service through Chipur and other projects.