(Image: E Mandelstam)
In December 2004, I was 16 years old. That year had been very painful and difficult with my mental health but I had pushed myself and secured good grades in my GCSES. However, my inherited mental illness, bipolar 1 disorder, was not yet diagnosed. I had experienced depression and mania. Then In December 04, the depression turned into psychosis where I had delusions (false beliefs about the world), high anxiety and agitation.
That Christmas, the only place I wanted to be was in hospital. I didn’t feel safe at home and by miracle the NHS found me a voluntary admission to the Priory North London CAMHS unit. I was an inpatient for 4 months and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My dad was diagnosed a few years before.
Years ending in 4 have been a worry for me. 10 years after this- 2014, I had another significant even worse hospitalisation that traumatised me. But it led to me finding the right medicine for me that has kept me stable- no mania or psychosis.
Now in 2024, at Christmas I am celebrating 10 years of remission. And 20 since that 16 year old girl was diagnosed. I was so scared for my future. Yes bipolar has taken a lot from my life healthwise but it has also given me untold blessings too – teaching me life is short and to be determined and resilient when I can be.
Twenty years on I have mixed emotions. I wouldn’t want to wish being diagnosed with a life long severe mental illness as a teen on anyone. But somehow miraculously, despite the depression, despite past suicidal ideation, I am here. I have survived. I know younger Ellie would be proud of the things I have achieved.
May you all have a wonderful Christmas holiday and heres to 2025. Thank you to all of you my readers too,
love and light
Eleanor
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