I once faced Christmas without a home, a job, or stability — yet small acts of kindness helped me find my way back.
The holiday season is not always a happy time. This is especially true for those experiencing mental health issues and for many who are in a hospital or dealing with a mental health crisis. I empathize with those who are struggling, and I share my experience so others don’t feel so alone. I’ve also learned that just because one year unfolds in a certain way, it doesn’t mean the next will look the same.
A Holiday Season That Changed Everything
In the winter a few decades ago, I was living in the snowy throes of the holiday season in Ottawa, Ontario, and I had been admitted to the psychiatric hospital for being in a state of psychosis. The world had become unrecognizable to me during this time, and it took three weeks of medication to come back to reality.
I had been acting out of character and spreading my ‘manic cheer’ among coffee shop goers. I felt overly connected and happy with everybody I met. I even gave my gold diamond ring to a man in a wheelchair. I felt overly caring, loving, and kind during this time. Upon my return to reality, my life looked very different than where it had been weeks earlier.
Finding Hope in Desperation
During that holiday season, I had no job, as I had been fired for my unusual behavior. I had unknowingly spent every penny in my psychotic state, and any friend I had had scattered because of my diagnosis, and all of my family members lived in a different province.
The hospital became my home as my roommates confiscated my key, so I basically became homeless — all in time for the Christmas season.
I was lucky to have spent Christmas day with one of the few friends that I had left, but I had feared that I would never make it out of that dire situation. I was very fortunate that a social worker took an interest in me before her holiday break, and with a promise of $400, I managed to find a room to rent.
There were moments of fear and doubt, but I’ve learned that there are sometimes forces at work that we are not aware of, and it can be as simple as the kindness of others.
Even in our most dire circumstances, it’s important to know that there is always the chance that things will turn around.
Finding a Place to Land Again
Eventually, I found a kind landlord who signed a welfare form and agreed to rent to me. I was very honest about my mental health situation. The world can appear dark, cruel, and hopeless, but there are good people in the world who will cross our paths with their compassion and understanding.
Even if things are not perfect during the holiday season, it does not mean that they will always be this difficult. There has never been a Christmas as lonely as that time for me. Ever since, I’ve made sure to surround myself with the people I care about most because I didn’t have the privilege to do so that year.
Looking Back on What Truly Mattered
I was humbled in that hospital room with a mental breakdown, and I was reminded of all of the things that truly mattered to me. I was a party girl at the time, and using drugs and alcohol certainly contributed to my deteriorating mental health.
Although I may have always been destined to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I soon learned what was truly important in my life because of the experience.
Tough times will come and go, whether they are seasons, holidays, or even years, but they always pass, and those experiences allow us time to ponder how we’d like to approach things differently next time. Having been through challenging circumstances, I now value all the good in my life.
Growing Stronger With Every Setback
I once stewed and panicked in my discomfort, but I soon learned that I needed to trust the process no matter how uncomfortable and difficult. One thing that I’m grateful for when I consider my past with all of its pain and hardship is the fact that I can at least sit with my bipolar disorder.
It may not be pretty or pleasurable, but I can now handle facing the painful moments because I’ve gotten so much stronger over the years.
I have the foresight to know that no two moments are ever the same, and even if I suffer for a long time, I will certainly see the light of day again — and that is a privilege not afforded to many.
UPDATED: Originally posted Nov. 28, 2017