I was recently recording a podcast with a producer who asked me the following question: Has schizophrenia changed who you are as a person?
I was so surprised by his question. I am not sure I ever considered how schizophrenia has changed me over time. But with some thought, I now realize that it has changed me significantly, and most surprisingly, I would say it has changed me for the better.
Reflections on a Family Vacation
Last week, I spent five days on the coast of North Carolina in a rented condo with my mom and dad. We used to go every summer when I was growing up, usually spending a week at a small house we rented on the ocean called “Two Gulls.” In more recent years, we have rented a condo on the ocean instead, as it also has a swimming pool only yards away from the beach.
As we spent our week swimming in the pool, walking the ocean, collecting shells and wading through the waves, I felt perfectly happy. It was so fun to spend this special time with my parents, and I had forgotten just how well both of them cook.
But the biggest surprise to me was the difference between how I felt on the beach in 2026 versus how I felt when we vacationed there when I was in high school.
When I was in high school, I had everything going for me. I was taking college classes for dual high school and college credit and getting straight A’s. I had a beautiful violin and a position with the Cleveland Orchestra Youth Orchestra. My violin teacher was one of the best in the country.
But I was not happy. In fact, I found myself grieving. All I wanted was to be a touring violin soloist, and despite practicing four to five hours a day throughout the year all the way through high school, I was not one of the best of the best.
Throughout the whole year, and even when I was on a vacation that was supposed to make me happy, it was as though everything in my life had gone wrong, as I had not reached my lofty goals. I took the violin along on vacation and chose to practice when I could have been walking the beach.
How Schizophrenia Shaped My College Experience
As I was finishing high school, I became a national merit scholar and designated the University of Southern California as my first choice school. I wanted to study violin there with another famous violin professor.
But when I toured USC, I was amazed by the opportunities everywhere. I realized I could become an engineer, a biochemist, or a physicist. The career possibilities seemed endless.
When I was not accepted by this California violin teacher, it was OK with me. I was determined to attend USC and major in science and/or engineering.
As I moved into the USC honors dormitory, signed up for classes and began to live the college life I had been dreaming of for years, things were still not okay. The sadness that I had felt in high school would not go away. Even as I embarked on this whole new life, I was still grieving. There really wasn’t a reason why.
My parents sacrificed everything to help me pay for USC. But I had little interest in speaking with them. Every morning, the girls in the dorm would get together to have breakfast together, but I joined them only once or twice my entire first semester. I found the dorm had an upstairs attic and would often sit there alone.
As my relationships deteriorated, my grades did as well. I remember an inability to concentrate in a biochemistry class that would have been easy for me years back. When I scored a B in the class, I hated myself for it and became even more upset.
My life at USC in the dorm, surrounded by high achieving students and with lots of opportunities for clubs and activities, should have been perfect. But I was not happy.
I remember the second semester of my sophomore year at USC when I got my life together. I scored A’s in advanced biochemistry and engineering physics and a B in differential equations (I wonder to this day if I would’ve gotten straight A’s had I been at my best). But this success was short lived. As I started my junior year, my grades dropped again, and I couldn’t concentrate. That semester, I scored C’s. When I had entered USC, the dream was to scored straight A’s. I felt like a failure, which affected my ability to concentrate even more.
The summer after my junior year of college, I made one of the best decisions of my life. I left the competition and the potential for awards and achieving success back in California and spent two months in Africa. While I was there, I connected with kind people living in the Nairobi slums who I quickly came to love. I realized there was more to life than straight A’s, and that relationships are really the most important aspect of our lives.
My schizophrenia hit when I returned from Africa. I would drop out of college, paranoid of my family and all of my friends, and become homeless in the LA area for four years. I would spend another year hopeless, looking desperately for an effective medication. This followed a difficult involuntary psychiatric commitment. It was hard, and I suffered, but I made it through.
What Recovery From Schizophrenia Taught Me
Today, in recovery, I am happy. Life is not about scoring straight A’s or winning competitions on violin or academic awards. I have been content with my life since 2009 when I was able to return to college and graduate in molecular biology with nearly straight A’s, a functional, mind and many close friends.
Today, I am very close with my family again and many friends in the Cincinnati area. I am fulfilled running my nonprofit foundation for schizophrenia education and advocacy, which I cofounded with my doctor in 2016. Above all, I recognize that I am happy. Perhaps I have schizophrenia to thank for that.