I think one of the most painful parts of being a human is experiencing heartbreak. Grieving the living is complicated and emotional, and when you break up with a partner; you are often breaking up with a life you had planned as well. It is incredibly normal to have your ex on your mind after breaking up. This person took up a lot of space in your life and without them; your mind doesn’t always know what to do with that empty space. However, replaying memories and thinking about your ex can be incredibly annoying and/or sad; especially when you are trying to move on. Much like any thought, telling it to STOP and go away isn’t going to work. When we can acknowledge a thought and accept its presence without ascribing fact or value to it; we can allow these thoughts to pass on their own. But why do these thoughts keep popping up? Here are some ideas, both from my personal experience and in working with clients going through the same thing.
False Sense of Control
After a breakup, the world can tend to feel a bit upside down. Your routine will probably change, and your life will look a bit different. With any transition period, it is common to struggle with the uncertainty and out-of-control feelings that come with a big change. Thinking about an ex gives our brains something to control in a world that feels out of our hands. We can often ruminate on the what-ifs from the relationship to give ourselves a false sense of control. What if I had been more friendly with his parents? What if I had given her one more chance? These what-ifs give us temporary reassurance that we have more control over the situation than we actually do.
Unfinished Business
When we date someone, we start to build lives and plans with them. When we become attached to a specific plan that abruptly ends, it can be jarring. Ghosts (if you believe in that!) will often haunt people and places where there is unfinished business. Much like ghosts, our minds can haunt the people, places, and things that still feel like open agenda items. For example, maybe you had a plan to buy a dog with your ex, and so you are replaying in your mind what that would have been like from going to the shelter to bringing them home.
Guilt
When we break up with people, it is really common to feel guilty. I have had several clients really bogged down by the guilt of breaking up with an ex. This guilt comes from a good place. We often sincerely care about the people that we have broken up with. However, hurting people is inevitable in this world. That doesn’t mean going out into the world hurting people left and right, but it does mean accepting that we can’t always avoid it. What we can do is come at these situations with good intentions and a willingness to mitigate the hurt if possible. Initiating a breakup can cause hurt and pain, AND, it does not make you a bad person.
Escape
After my first love and I broke up, I would have fantasies of him showing up to my door with a dozen roses and a diamond ring; where he would whisk me off to city hall and we’d get married on a whim. At the time, I was really struggling with being alone and losing a man that I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life. Imagining him saving me and making the sadness stop was my temporary escape from the pain I was in.
If you find yourself struggling with intrusive thoughts about your ex, contact Symmetry today by calling 312-578-9990 to get matched with one of our licensed counselors. If you prefer to speak with a counselor from your own home, we also offer online counseling services to provide the assistance you need.