Learning I was living with bipolar helped me make sense of years of chaos, seek treatment, and finally feel grateful for the insight it gave me.
Before my diagnosis of bipolar, I experienced unexplained racing thoughts and dangerous impulses:
- I shoplifted and got arrested.
- I racked up thousands of dollars in credit card debt due to a serious shopping addiction.
- I flew in and out of dozens of tumultuous relationships (and I could be pretty promiscuous at times).
- Other times, I couldn’t make myself eat or get out of bed.
- My moods always seemed to be either way up in the clouds, or deep down in a dark pit.
I always knew there was something “wrong,” but I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t figure out why I kept destroying myself — and everything around me. My undiagnosed mood disorder wreaked havoc on my life.
Trying to Find Answers Before Being Diagnosed
It wasn’t until I had a psychological evaluation that I was able to shed light on much of my behavior and moods. I underwent therapy and, after lots of trial and error, my doctor and I found the right mood-stabilizing medication.
Without my diagnosis, I’d still be dealing with self-harm and dangerous, impulsive behaviors.
RELATED: 8 Essential Things to Know When First Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder
I’m thankful to finally have an “answer” as to why I struggled so much. I’m now able to take care of myself, move forward, and live a healthy life in recovery. I’ve discovered six reasons why I’m grateful for the insight my bipolar diagnosis has given me. You may be able to relate.
1. My Bipolar Diagnosis Explains My Behavior
I now know why I made so many mistakes that hurt myself and those around me. These days, when I have racing thoughts and an urge to take unnecessary risks, I’m armed with awareness, and I reach out for help before I do any damage.
2. I Have Peace of Mind About My Bipolar Symptoms
I used to lie in bed at night, trying to fall asleep but unable to. I had repetitive, disruptive thoughts racing around in my buzzing mind. The hardest part about it was not knowing why this obsessive voice in my head would not shut up. Now I know not to panic; it’s just my bipolar talking, and I can reach out for help if I need it.
3. I’m More Aware of My Bipolar Triggers and Put Safeguards in Place
When I racked up a bunch of debt due to compulsive shopping, I berated myself for not having better control. Now I know that it’s impossible to completely control myself with a mood disorder dictating many of my thoughts. My awareness helps me put safeguards in place, like limiting online shopping, handing my credit cards over to a trusted family member, or just unplugging for a while.
4. I Forgive Myself for Behaviors That Are Due to My Bipolar
Before I was diagnosed, I used to push myself too hard and beat myself up if I couldn’t finish a task or do much more than get out of bed. Now that I have an accurate diagnosis, I understand that not every day has to be a huge success. When my energy has been zapped, I let myself off the hook. Part of accepting my diagnosis has been understanding that I have unique needs that require self-compassion.
5. I Forgive My Dad for Having Bipolar Disorder
I grew up with a dad who had bipolar, who was often depressed and distant. He’d skip my piano recitals and lock himself in his room for days. I was the little girl with “daddy issues.” I craved his attention and felt unloved.
My dad died when I was 24. For years, I was angry at him for being a “bad” father and for abandoning me. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with the same mental health condition that he had that I was able to grasp that my dad’s behavior wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t his, either. I understand him now through the lens of my diagnosis. And I forgive him.
6. I Learned How to Be Proud of Myself, Bipolar and All
Bipolar disorder isn’t an easy mental health condition to have. I can go from being too manic to think straight to too depressed to get out of bed. But because I’ve made it through both manic and depressive episodes, I can say with pride that I’m a strong, resilient woman. And I’m confident I can make it through anything.
Embracing My Bipolar Diagnosis and Thriving
A bipolar diagnosis is nothing to fear. With an accurate diagnosis and the right treatment, I’m living a happy, healthy life.
I haven’t just survived — I’ve thrived.
I have the career of my dreams as a film industry graphic designer. I’ve built a strong support network of loving friends and family. And my bipolar diagnosis is something to be thankful for.
UPDATED: Originally posted November 12, 2019