A friend of mine was going through a difficult ending to his marriage. It was a messy break-up and I could tell it really weighed on him. Nonetheless, he was adamant that he was managing well.
We played hockey together and a group of us would go for some beers at a local pub after each game. In the weeks following his separation, he came for post-game beers less frequently. In time, he came less frequently to play hockey. Then, not at all.
I knew something was up, so I checked in with him and asked if he would like to go for a walk together. Fortunately, he said “yes”. When we met up, I was struck by how much weight he lost. Moreover, he had a look about him of someone who just felt completely defeated. My suspicion was that he was depressed. Even though I am a therapist, I didn’t go into “therapist mode”. Instead, I just needed to be his friend. I gave him space to talk, empathized with him, let him know that I’m there for him, and suggested that he find a therapist to work with to get through this very difficult experience.
Without saying so explicitly, it was clear that my friend was feeling very lonely. Like for many men in long-term relationships, his social life was largely curated by his wife. With the ending of his marriage, many other relationships also came to an end. He felt rejected, abandoned, and ashamed for being alone. That shame caused him to retreat inward, closing himself off from the very thing he needed – social connection. A vicious cycle ensued – the more lonely he felt, the more he closed himself off from others, increasing his sense of loneliness.
Below are various strategies that I used to support my friend through this difficult period.
- I let him know that I was there for him. I told him to reach out whenever he wanted. He said he feared being a burden, to which I replied that I enjoy spending time with him and that I’m good at maintaining boundaries (i.e., being clear and honest when I’m not available), so being burdened was not a risk.
- I would send him funny texts or gifs, just to let him know that I was thinking of him.
- We scheduled regular weekly walks, which was good for both of us.
- We would occasionally go to the local pub to watch sports and be in a social environment.
- I encouraged him to get back to playing hockey, as it’s something that he loves and it’s also a very social activity.
- I would sometimes ask him for help. The opportunity to reciprocate the help that one has received is really important for guys.
- I would invite him over for dinner, and eventually invited others over as well at the same time, which was a nice way for him to connect with others in a safe and comfortable environment.
- I did not try to be his therapist and “fix” his problems. I was his friend, being there to support him and to help him help himself.
It took a long time, but eventually my friend got back to his normal self. He found a therapist to work with, which he said was “a game-changer”. He got back to playing hockey, to engaging more socially, and being ok with his new status of being single. On one of our recent walks, which we still do, he reflected on how far he had come since his marriage ended, like it was night and day. He stopped and turned to me and said, “Thanks for being there for me. That really meant a lot to me”. I was very touched by what he shared. With a tear in my eye, I gave him a big hug and said, “That’s what friends are for.” Being there for him meant a lot to me as well.