Connecting my anger to bipolar disorder didn’t fix everything, but it helped me see the impact on my body, anxiety, and relationships.
At first glance, I can seem very cool and a little stoic. I give the impression that I just let things roll off my back without reacting. Most people who don’t really know me would just think that I’m a very chill guy.
Indeed, I try my hardest not to let things get to me.I’ve always felt that showing I’m upset about something is a way of revealing too much — of tipping my hand.
But what a lot of people don’t know is that I can be a very irritable person, whether or not I’m in an episode. Of course, people who deal with me fairly often know this; they’d be the first to tell you when I seem irritated. But what most people haven’t seen is the full force of my temper.
The ‘Explosive’ Bipolar Anger of My Youth and Early Adulthood
Most people who have known me over the years know that not only can I be an irritable person, but I can also have an “explosive” temper that comes almost without warning. Luckily, it’s not as bad as it was when I was a teenager, but, in the past, I was known for punching holes in walls and breaking things.
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I remember one incident from my early days in the United States Army when I was so angry, I punched and smashed a random picture frame. The sergeant on duty called the chaplain, who sat and talked with me for about 40 minutes to help calm me down.
In my defense, I was going through a lot, and one day reached my breaking point after holding it all in for months. Surprisingly, I didn’t hurt myself. The next day, my commander had a one-on-one talk with me about how my behavior was uncalled for, but I didn’t get into any serious trouble.
While I’ve never physically harmed anyone during my explosive moments, I’m sure I scared the hell out of a lot of people.
Connecting My ‘Bad Temper’ With My Bipolar Disorder
One day, when I started going through the whole process of understanding the fact that I had a brain-based disorder, I realized that my bad temper was actually part of bipolar disorder. In fact, my temper was an indication to a lot of people that I had bipolar disorder — I was known for “exploding” for no reason, then suddenly returning to being calm, as if nothing had happened.
But that revelation — connecting my bipolar and my anger — also left me confused. When I get angry, is it because I’m experiencing a normal emotion or is it part of my bipolar disorder?
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It took me a while to distinguish between anger as a natural emotional response and irritable, heightened anger as a result of bipolar, and sometimes I still have trouble. While I understand the difference to a certain degree, I still find myself having to defend myself to people who know about my bipolar disorder.
When I get upset, some people are quick to assume that it’s automatically because I have bipolar. I have to explain that I often have a legitimate reason to be upset — and that I’m capable of experiencing “normal” (if there is such a thing as normal) human emotions.
However, the bipolar disorder does add a little bit of an extra flair to it. For example, when I’m hypomanic, even though it’s a very euphoric feeling, I’m also incredibly edgy. That’s when every little thing irritates the living heck out of me.
Feeling Rage and Hurting Others With Words
It took me years to tone down my anger — from the point where I was literally punching stop signs (yes, I did that once as a teenager) to where it is now. I haven’t completely mastered it, and I’m not sure if I ever will. I still can “explode,” but now it’s more with my words than with throwing or smashing the nearest thing.
I know words can hurt, and when I’m provoked, I do “go for blood,” so to speak — not literally; I’m not out there hitting people. Controlling that urge to verbally lash out is the hardest part of my efforts to keep my temper in check.
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You would think that after all of that, I would’ve taken some kind of anger management course. I haven’t — and, honestly, I probably never will. I’m not discouraging anyone from doing so; for some people, that kind of support can be incredibly helpful. For me, I’ve found my own ways to work on staying calm and aware when anger rises.
Recognizing What Anger Costs Me and How I’m Working to Control It
One way I’m learning to control my anger is by staying aware of how it affects me — mentally, physically, and in my relationships — before it reaches a breaking point.
- It’s both emotionally and physically exhausting.
- It can trigger my anxiety attacks. I remember many times when, after I “exploded,” my chest would hurt — and there were a couple of times where the room would start spinning, and I couldn’t move.
- Just like with anything else with this illness, irritability and anger can lead to damaged relationships — ones I then have to repair or, sometimes, let go of.
These days, I try to give people a heads-up when I feel myself getting close to that breaking point. I also make an effort to step back from the situation when I sense my anger is about to rear its ugly head.
I’m getting better at this. It’s a work in progress — but progress is still progress.
What matters most to me now is recognizing the signs sooner, taking responsibility for my reactions, and continuing to work toward calmer moments, one step at a time.
UPDATED: Originally posted on July 12, 2018