About Michel:
I am Michel Peen, an independent author from Heemskerk in the Netherlands. My memoir Finally Living describes my experiences of childhood abuse, bullying, PTSD, isolation, and rebuilding everyday life. I also help my mother and others make sense of letters and case files. That means organizing documents, building timelines, preparing written questions and keeping track of deadlines.
WHAT WAS THE MAJOR TURNING POINT IN YOUR MENTAL HEALTH RECOVERY?
There were years when I lived almost like a hermit. Especially between roughly 2016 and 2025, my world became small. I had contact, but much of it was at a distance: a message, an email, the radio. Sometimes my mother. I had my animals. But preferably, the door stayed shut.
I was afraid of what people could do: reject me, laugh at me, make decisions about me, twist my words, or be friendly at first but then disappear later. Isolation protected me from new pain. At the same time, it made me more sensitive to every contact. A phone call could become a big thing. A letter on the doormat could determine my whole day.
On 7 July 2025, I stopped drinking alcohol and using hard drugs. I still smoke a joint before bed; it’s the only substance I still use. For me, the real turning point began that day. The financial administration order had been lifted more than a year earlier, but freedom on paper and freedom in your head are two different things. As long as I kept using, a part of me remained locked up.
Stopping meant feeling. Restlessness without numbness. Nights when my mind didn’t switch off automatically. Days when I had to choose what to do with tension. Walking, music, writing, radio, animals, tidying up, helping someone. Sometimes simply sitting it out.
Just over three months after I stopped drinking and using hard drugs, my mother had a serious accident. That didn’t make life easier. Quite the opposite. But I was present and clear-headed. I could read documents, keep track of appointments, ask further questions and stand beside her. From that moment, stopping had a purpose bigger than simply no longer using. I had to be there.
Collecting documents was practical, but emotional too. Every medical sentence was about my mother. At the same time, the structure gave me something to do. Panic became a list. A question became a request. A pile of loose papers became a story professionals could follow.
WHAT ARE SOME THINGS THAT REALLY HELPED?
Contact at my own pace
- My connection with CB radio began around 2002. For me, it was a social line to the outside world for a long time. The CB radio helped. Through a microphone, I could have contact without immediately standing in a crowded room.
- I could listen before speaking. I could release the button when I’d had enough. That felt safe. During the years when I rarely spent time around people, the radio stayed on. I had contact without immediately leaving my safe place. Sometimes friendships developed.
Animals
- Rocky and Kitty are my two cats. Animals provided contact without having to explain everything. During my hermit years, they made sure my home wasn’t filled only with silence. There was feeding, cleaning and playing to do. They were a presence without pressure.
- At home, Rocky and Kitty had no hidden agenda. Rocky notices tension. He doesn’t need to understand my case file to know I’m restless. He lies down, looks, blinks and then decides my keyboard actually belongs to him.
Writing and helping others
- Helping other people got things moving too. I only used text at first, which suited me. I could read quietly, think and look things up. There was no pressure like there is in a conversation where I have to say the right thing on the spot.
- I help others because I know how trapped you can become. When I help someone else, I don’t change my past. But the meaning changes a little. My experience becomes a tool.
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO OTHER GUYS FIGHTING MENTAL HEALTH CHALLENGES?
Start small. Write what you want in one sentence. If you can’t speak, send that sentence. If you’re afraid of a conversation, ask whether it can be done in writing. If you’re being bullied or abused, tell someone again when the first person doesn’t listen.
Michel Peen
Heemskerk, Netherlands
Michel’s memoir Finally Living is available in addition to his other books through Amazon internationally or Brave New Books in the Netherlands.
Stock image provided by @felifox.