(image: yourhappyplaceblog)
For those of you who have read my blogs or book, you will know that I have lived with mental health issues since I was young (diagnosed with bipolar at 16, depression and anxiety at 15 and lots of anxiety as a younger child).
My bipolar is medicated so that my brain functions fairly ‘typically’ ie i don’t get mania or severe depression, but I do get bad anxiety and milder depression.
What started as a teen to protect me from harm, became a full fledged panic disorder and social anxiety. Hiding away became my way to protect myself from the world, from people’s negative judgements, from life.
Even now at 36, I navigate a lot of the same anxious thoughts, behaviours and feelings. I don’t often share this part of my life anymore but I feel it is essential.
Yesterday, after having a particularly bad patch with anxiety where I cancelled many arrangements, stayed inside a lot etc, I spoke to my wonderful therapist because I needed to unpack what was going on for me.
In the course of the discussion about the different issues going on for me that could be causing the social anxiety/agoraphobia element I realised this key truth.
I have built metaphorical walls around myself in many parts of my life (my body, my friendships, my relationships in general), to keep myself safe from trauma I have faced. Part of that comes out as social anxiety as a protection mechanism and there’s time when that worsens. And times when its better.
But what I did realise is this.
I would like to feel properly alive and start taking down some of the walls, so I can live. Sometimes, the walls keep me safe and cosy. Sometimes they are not serving me anymore. I also want to boost my self esteem so that I stop retreating and hiding, or if it happens as it will, to find a way to work with it. I have had EMDR before so it may be returning to that for a while to unpick the knots!
I am very much a work in progress and so, I know I will always live with some level of anxiety. It is about how I learn to live well despite life’s challenges.
Do you find you put up walls or have social anxiety too?
I am sharing because it is therapeutic but I was even anxious sharing this as its so personal.
Love,
Eleanor x