The holiday season is often meant to be a time of joy, laughter, and connection. Yet for children who are uncomfortable in social settings, this season can feel more overwhelming than festive. Between large family gatherings and the sensory load of celebrations, a similar story often plays out: part celebration, part emotional rollercoaster.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Matthew Zuch has watched the scene for over two decades. This year, he is turning the tension into a teachable moment. “Fear isn’t a solid brick wall,” Dr. Zuch explains. “It feels that way in the moment, it feels like you can’t move past it, but in truth, it’s an emotion that can be worked through.” His approach centers on helping families recognize that mischaracterized fear is not an enemy to be fought, but a feeling to be understood and reframed.
With nearly 31% of U.S. teens experiencing some form of anxiety, the problem is not uncommon. Dr. Zuch describes it as a distortion of normal emotions like fear, stress, and worry. “Fear, worry, and stress are healthy, normal, adaptive emotions,” he says. “Anxiety is when the brain miscategorizes something relatively harmless, like talking to a relative, into the same mental category as facing a real threat, such as encountering a bear.” That miscategorization, he adds, forms through classical conditioning and persists through operant avoidance.
According to Dr. Zuch, children may learn fear responses from watching others, such as parents reacting nervously to stressful situations, or from their own experiences of embarrassment, rejection, or social discomfort. “Over time, each subsequent avoidance, such as skipping the school play or hiding at Grandma’s dinner, can become the default coping mechanism, reinforcing the belief that the feared situation is truly a threat,” he says.
One of his most effective tools for breaking that cycle is called the Family Face Your Fear Club, a biweekly exercise with a set of structured, exposure-based challenges that parents and children can tackle together, gradually confronting their fears. Dr. Zuch believes that while family gatherings can trigger nerves, they can also help rewire them.
During the session, each member names something that makes them uneasy and takes small, actionable steps to face it. “Every two weeks, everybody has an assignment about facing their fear,” Dr. Zuch explains.
The idea, he notes, is to highlight that everyone has fears, but the power comes in facing those fears and finding out that it isn’t a solid brick wall. This approach could help children learn how to recategorize misplaced fear as a manageable emotion by approaching it piece by piece. Parents can also model bravery by accepting their own holiday challenges, whether carving the turkey under watchful eyes or initiating small talk. “Kids learn what ‘normal’ responses to uncomfortable situations look like by watching us,” Dr. Zuch says. “If we avoid, they avoid.”
This kind of practice can form the backbone of exposure therapy. The brain, he explains, learns to reclassify the situation through repeated safe experiences. “After enough exposure, your brain realizes that talking to Uncle John isn’t the same as facing a bear. It rewires the association.” Studies have shown that a single session of exposure therapy can produce measurable neural changes, dampening activity in the brain’s fear network and reorganizing responses to feared stimuli.
According to Dr. Zuch, it’s also important for parents to acknowledge a child’s discomfort without amplifying it. Over-discussing the problem or offering constant reassurance can be as unhelpful as ignoring it entirely. Instead, Dr. Zuch recommends validation and normalization. “Telling your child not to be nervous doesn’t work,” he says. “But saying, ‘It’s okay to feel nervous, let’s figure out what might help,’ changes everything.”
Dr. Zuch notes that parents can further reinforce this confidence by highlighting past successes, reminding their children of the challenges they’ve overcome, whether in exams, performances, or social settings. “When kids see evidence that they’ve handled similar things before, it can build a sense of confidence, competence, and mastery,” he says.
He suggests that both children and parents curate a plan for managing these situations. This could include setting small social goals, identifying calming techniques, or arranging a signal for when a child needs a break during gatherings. “Face-to-face exposure is still the backbone, but the key is to have a plan before the big day rolls around,” he says. “Having a plan can create a roadmap so kids know they’re not helpless.”
Dr. Zuch remains optimistic that with awareness and proactive family support, many cases can be managed effectively at home. Still, he acknowledges that professional help may be needed in certain cases. Common signs of anxiety in children can manifest in persistent behavioural changes like irritability, clinginess, feeling tense or fidgety, or complaining of stomach aches. “If you’ve noticed these patterns over a few months, that’s a good time to consult a professional,” he advises. “But don’t rush after one bad day. Give it time, observe, and stay involved.”
For Dr. Zuch, the message is clear: the holiday table can double as a sanctuary for open conversations and mutual support. “The holidays give families a unique opportunity,” he says. “It’s a time when everyone’s together, routines slow down, and you can actually talk about these things. If handled with appropriate warmth and patience, those conversations can help kids enter the new year with a little less fear, and a lot more courage.”
This article is for informational purposes only and does not substitute for professional medical advice. If you are seeking medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, please consult a medical professional or healthcare provider.