She went off on herself last night: “The biggest interview of your life and you blew it to smithereens. He didn’t like you, and neither did I. You’d better double down on making yourself marketable — or else.” You may be asking yourself, “Do I have an inner critic too?”
The interplay between the experiencing self and the inner critic is highlighted by expressions of struggle and coercion, often accompanied by a sense of confusion.
Introduction
Given what’s been going on in my life, detailed in four of the last six articles, it’s not surprising that I’d finally bring the inner critic to the table. I’ve had countless encounters with mine over the past two-plus months.
But in the midst of the best or worst of times, it’s always helpful to discuss the ever-lurking inner critic. We’re going to get after it with the help of an expert, Dr Nelda Andersone.
What is the inner critic?
Breathing, heart rate, anxiety level, mood status, social comfort, we all self-monitor — some way more than others. It’s important to keep in mind that our self-monitoring is the front end of a combo package — within micro-seconds, evaluation follows.
And that’s when the weeds can get deep. Self-criticism, largely unconscious, is often part of the evaluation process.
That critical inner voice
During a difficult situation, or times, some folks naturally go easy on themselves — even administering self-compassion. But when a significant number of us self-evaluate, we face a hostile and critical inner voice that won’t let up on pounding us with perception-distorting negative thoughts. And soon to follow are stress-spikers like productivity mandates. Witness the one-sided conversation in the opening paragraph.
And you know what? Many of us don’t even notice the voice — it’s normal.
Self-criticism
To have a shot at relief, we need to become aware of all facets of our self-criticizing habit.
Self-criticism is especially troubling because we can lessen its intensity, but can’t totally get rid of it. To stand any chance at relief, we need to become aware of our self-criticizing habit — what it looks like, its different styles, what purpose it serves, possible origins.
Isn’t that how it goes with any emotional or mental symptom or illness? By the way, why are some people more burdened by self-criticism and an inner critic? It’s all in that mysterious mix of genetics and environment.
Still, I’ll bet there’s quite a bit of reliable risk factor data floating around out there.
The high performers paradox
Dr. Andersone points out that many high achievers have a heightened level of self-criticism. It’s their relentless self-critical voice, perseverance, ambition, and attention to detail that drive them to achieve excellence.
But there’s a trade-off: continuous anxiety over their progress, fear of failure, and unhealthy comparisons with others. Convinced that their self-improving version of self-criticism contributes to their success, high achievers may often amplify their efforts to stand out at work.
However, that approach backfires when they find themselves unable to meet expectations. When failure to succeed occurs, high achievers often face profound feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.
The inner critic vs. the experiencing self
The inner critic and the experiencing self: they absolutely will butt heads and create tension.
According to Andersone, within the context of emotion-focused therapy — assumes lacking emotional awareness or avoiding difficult emotions can be harmful by depriving an individual of the important information emotions provide — self-criticism involves a self-to-self relationship in which two facets of the self engage in ongoing internal conflict.
The dominant facet, the inner critic, assumes the responsibilities of criticism and judgment. As a result, it impedes the experiences and healthy needs of another facet of the self, often identified as the experiencing self.
Seemingly at the helm, the inner critic strives to adhere to established standards and norms, while the experiencing self represents a more adaptive and fundamental part of the self that instinctively knows what’s right and wants to follow its inclinations. Obviously, when they butt heads, there’s going to be tension.
How it flows
In her explanation of what goes down, Andersone uses a scenario in which a person feels an internal compulsion to give and do for others. Even when they’re aware that they’re exceeding their capacity and should set boundaries, they decide to stop — but can’t.
Here’s what’s going on. The experiencing self recognizes the discomfort in the situation, indicating a need to cease giving. And when it tries to assert its limits, the inner critic automatically intervenes by introducing a “stuckness,” preventing the expression of personal boundaries. This clash arises as personal feelings come into conflict with the expectations set by the inner critic.
So the inner critic has suppressed the genuine feelings, thoughts, and sensations that arise naturally within an individual — even labeling them as “bad” or “wrong.” In this way, the inner critic prevents the person from expressing their genuine needs, wants, and limits.
The persistent disapproval of an inner critic, judging the individual to be mean and unacceptable, impedes the adaptive facet of the self from standing up to the negative evaluations.
Expression in language
The interplay between the experiencing self and the inner critic is highlighted by expressions of struggle and coercion, often accompanied by a sense of confusion. Hence, often heard are statements like “I wish I could, but I can’t” or “I would like to, but I am inadequate.”
The inner critic issues cautionary messages, such as “If you don’t lose weight, nobody will love you,” or “You’ll never be able to do that; this is beyond you,” vigilantly pointing out weaknesses with statements like “You did that wrong again” and issuing imperatives like “You must stop eating.” It frequently resorts to absolute terms such as “always,” “everybody,” “nobody,” and “never”.
It establishes conditional rules like “You are only lovable if you lose weight.” Employs derogatory labels like “I am a failure,” and “I have no self-respect,” along with other negative evaluations like “What’s the matter with me? Why can’t I just be normal?”
This self-talk signifies a perceived failure to meet personal and societal expectations, eliciting feelings of frustration, anger, and self-contempt.
Harsh vs. low inner critics in individuals
“Navigating self-criticism in this challenging state proves exceptionally difficult, leading to pervasive feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.”
We all have self-critical thoughts; however, their form differs from one person to another. A pilot investigation published in the journal Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy addressed the characteristics of a low self-criticism group and high self-criticism group.
Here are some takeaways…
- The low self-criticism group and the high self-criticism group voiced critical thoughts, but the high self-criticism group exhibited more contempt when expressing criticism. Concurrently, they demonstrated greater submission to criticism.
- Members of the high self-criticism group accepted the criticisms and also experienced heightened feelings of sadness and shame. They couldn’t separate themselves from the inner critic, making it challenging for them to express anger, pride, or assertiveness in response to criticisms.
- The low self-criticism group exhibited less contempt in their critiques and confronted the inner critic, expressing anger, and even dismissing the antagonist. Consequently, the important factor is not solely the self-imposed criticisms but the individual’s capacity to confront self-criticism.
Bringing it to our table
Dr. Andersone points out that acceptance of self-critical attacks is an integral component of a depressed state. In such a state, people find themselves restricted to the critic’s perspective, incapable of countering it.
Navigating self-criticism in this challenging state proves exceptionally difficult, leading to pervasive feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Beneath these emotions lie underlying fears and genuine sadness.
Over time, individuals may become accustomed to this emotional state, encountering it persistently as a recurring theme in their lives struggling to break free from the constraints imposed by the inner critic.
It’s not a fair fight.
Do you have an inner critic?
The power of the inner critic blows me away. And how its action is programmed into our brains is fascinating. How do you feel about it? Have you connected any dots?
Like anything in the world of emotional and mental illnesses, we can’t hope for relief if we don’t have an understanding of the problem. If you didn’t coming in, you’re now working on it.
I almost forgot to ask. Do you have an inner critic?
Be sure to check out Dr. Andersone’s piece on Psychology Today: “Understanding the Inner Critic.” In fact, review her profile for even more helpful articles.
I encourage you to peruse the Chipur emotional and mental illness info and inspiration titles on the articles page — or by category below, right sidebar on desktop. We’ll both appreciate it.
After a decades-long wrestling match with emotional and mental illness, Bill finally found his professional and personal passion – life’s meaning. He wanted to lend a hand to those struggling as he did, so off he went to grad school at age 49 and earned his counseling credentials. He continues his service through Chipur and other projects.