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A split can trigger manic or depressive episodes. Here is how to maintain stability, avoid dangerous rebounds, and prioritize self-care when a relationship ends.
Whether you have bipolar disorder or your partner does, the end of a relationship often ushers in dark feelings like abandonment, guilt, and rejection. Even if the relationship was toxic and getting out was the right decision, there may be a sense of failure or self-blame.
In any case, there’s typically a period of destabilizing upheaval as the newly single adjust to life on their own, perhaps in different surroundings.
Dan B. of Minnesota recalls losing all the “couple friends” in his divorce — including several people he considered to be very close. The end of those connections was just part of a larger rupture in his sense of self.
“If we tend to lose ourselves in a relationship, to define ourselves by the person we’re with, it’s like taking away a major part of our self-worth,” he reflects.
During his recovery from the breakup, he jumped into another relationship “just to prove to myself I was worth something. It was just kind of a reaffirmation thing. It was a mistake.”
The Trap of the ‘Rebound’ Relationship
Getting into a relationship when you’re fleeing feelings of loneliness, hurt, or abandonment is no solid foundation for attracting a good partner, says Anita H. Clayton, MD, chair of the department of psychiatry and neurobehavioral sciences at the University of Virginia School of Medicine.
“The idea of moderation may not be terribly appealing, but you really need to try to keep things steady,” she says. “Keep your sleep stable, stay away from high-risk activities, and do something that is positive for you and makes you feel better.”
Social Media: A High-Risk Trigger
Joan J. of Florida warns against turning to social media for affirmation after a split. That’s what she did, posting rants about an ex that brought comments from friends who were trying to be supportive: “You don’t need him.” “You’ve got to move on.” “Just get off this horse and hop on another one.”
Instead of soothing her hurt, however, those remarks “just fueled the anger,” she recalls, “and that fueled a manic stage.” With her impulse control at zero, she ended up cycling through a series of sexual affairs. She regrets the way her mania torched any hope of reconciliation.
“Even if my marriage had been salvageable, I had moved on,” she says. “I didn’t even give it a chance.”
Understanding the ‘Bipolar Breakup’ Cycle
Bipolar symptoms often associated with hypomania or mania, such as distractibility, intrusive, and domineering behavior, may cause problems with communication in the relationship, leading to feelings of being misunderstood, frustration, and conflict, explains Maria E. Bastida, NP, of the University of Michigan’s department of psychiatry.
“Sleep disturbance, spending sprees, reckless behavior, increase in alcohol and substance use, and promiscuity that is unusual for the person, may also generate confusion, anger, and fear.”
The guilt and remorse following a manic or hypomanic episode, in addition to depressive symptoms of dysphoria and withdrawal, can leave everyone in the relationship feeling even more perplexed and helpless.
In these extreme emotional states, there is an increased likelihood that either the person with bipolar disorder or their partner might contemplate dissolving the relationship.
These symptoms might leave a bleak picture, but “despite the rollercoaster of emotions in bipolar disorder, relationships can thrive and flourish with appropriate treatment and education about how to ride the waves of the illness, while also working towards acceptance, understanding, and self-care,” says Bastida.
According to a study review, divorce and separation are two to three times more common among people with bipolar compared with the general population. On the positive side, the study notes that some individuals reported personal growth, strengthened relationships, and newfound hope.
It’s also important to consider statistics that reveal the primary causes of divorce among all couples are addictions, infidelity, and obsessive working patterns — all characteristics of untreated mania and impulsive behavior.
Although breakups are not a rarity in standard relationships, the recurrent patterns of separation and reconciliation linked to bipolar disorder can have a detrimental impact on the overall health of a relationship.
The Neurobiology of Social Disconnection
Research indicates that individuals with bipolar disorder often struggle with social relationships due to factors such as poor childhood attachment, difficulties in forming adult relationships, and a lack of social support, says Kelly Ryan, PhD, clinical associate professor, neuropsychology section, University of Michigan department of psychiatry.
“From a more neurobiological perspective, bipolar illness can be associated with problems accurately recognizing or accurately perceiving others’ emotions, leading to misinterpretations of situations and interactions and regulating positive emotion, as measured by performance tests and neuroimaging,” explains Dr. Ryan.
Prior work from the Heinz C. Prechter Longitudinal Study of Bipolar Disorder has found that people with bipolar have a heightened difficulty in accurately perceiving emotions through voice or by looking at faces, adds Ryan. “Also, we have shown that emotion perception is negatively related to functional outcomes, such as work status, while other studies indicate this is the case in how well one functions in relationships.”
Strategies for Stability Post-Breakup
When a marriage or relationship ends, regardless of whether it is the person with bipolar disorder or the partner without who initiates the separation, the emotional turbulence can be profound. For the individual with bipolar, this life transition can be a trigger for mood episodes, and therefore, it necessitates a proactive approach to maintain stability.
Redoubling your efforts at self-management during the post-breakup period will bring you toward a place of consistency and acceptance, which eventually will allow you to enter into a relationship “when you’re in the right space and for the right reasons,” says Ben Stover, a licensed clinical professional counselor in Chicago. “It’s very important to make sure you are taking care of yourself before you’re trying to take care of somebody else.”
Stover suggests acknowledging openly and fully that breakups are highly charged and rife with emotional triggers. He has some suggestions:
- Don’t stop your medication.
- See your mental health professional if you have one; consider setting up an appointment with one if you don’t.
- Utilize your social support and be careful to avoid isolation.
- Take your time.
- Allow yourself to heal.
Consider also seeking out a support group to serve as both an outlet for emotional expression and a resource for coping strategies.
While navigating the post-relationship landscape, it’s crucial to prioritize your sleep. If disrupted sleep patterns persist, one option to ask your healthcare professional about is cognitive-behavior therapy for insomnia (CBT-i), says the American Psychological Association.
Self-care is also a form of self-respect and empowerment — recognizing that you have both the responsibility and the ability to restore your own sense of well-being. Prioritizing self-care helps mitigate the risk of triggering either a depressive or manic episode and provides a foundation for healing and stability.
Editorial Sources and Fact-Checking
UPDATED: Originally printed as “Breaking Up is Hard to Do”, Summer 2016