A candid account of bipolar psychosis, from hallucinations and delusions to the emotional aftermath of diagnosis.
Very few people admit to having a psychotic break because they fear others will judge them harshly and see them as unpredictable and dangerous. This looming stigma caused me great fear, and it took me years to talk openly about my bipolar diagnosis, especially about my psychotic episode.
Yet, when I tell people that I did indeed hear, see, and believe things that weren’t real, they are captivated and listen intently. They often don’t realize that people with bipolar disorder can experience a psychotic break.
When a Manic Episode Triggers Bipolar Psychosis
My psychosis showed up in a number of ways, triggered by my first manic episode. I remember when my grandiosity took hold and my eyes locked onto the computer screen many years ago. I was suddenly able to type like a seasoned pro, and I drafted a 33-page Canadian federal election strategy that I believed would win the next election.
I naturally saw myself as the next prime minister of Canada, and in my mind, my document was brilliant. As my delusions grew, so did my sickness, and my bipolar disorder sent me on a journey that will always remain at the forefront of my mind.
My Psychosis and the Spiritual Experience
I’ve always been a spiritual person, and I soon began to have one-on-one conversations with God. During this time, I could actually hear His responses in my own mind. The comfort of knowing He was always there with me helped me face many of the challenges that lay ahead.
During the early days of my psychotic episode, I was driving four hours to visit my grandmother. As I drove on the long stretch of highway, I asked God to show me huge Canadian flags if He truly existed. As I turned the corner, red and white maple leaves stood on pillars at the largest Petro-Canada gas station that I had ever seen.
I was extremely overwhelmed by such incidents, which happened often. They began to hold immense significance, pulling me deeper into a psychosis that I didn’t know I was experiencing.
Hallucinations and the Loss of Reality
The bipolar psychosis took a deeper grip on my mind, and I began to have visual hallucinations. I watched as a globe of the Earth formed in my gaze and then began to deteriorate before my eyes.
I looked on with amazement as pollution and famine swept across vast stretches of land, and I felt a sense of horrible guilt for all of mankind. In the next heartbeat, the Devil’s head was dancing in front of my face. But I held my ground because I believed strongly in God, and I knew that Satan himself could do me no harm.
I actually witnessed fiery missiles being thrown at me, but they bounced off my body as if I were wearing an invisible shield. I soon came to believe that I was Eve from the Garden of Eden. It was amazing because I thought that I had finally figured out who I was. How was it possible that I hadn’t known all these years?
Finding Meaning After My Psychotic Break
I was eventually taken to the hospital, medicated, and diagnosed with bipolar disorder with psychotic features. After my mental health “crash landing,” when I had returned to the real world, I sat on the edge of my bed, my head resting in my hands, and I sobbed endlessly.
I just could not believe that it was all a farce. I felt saddened that it was all chalked up to being a mere misfire in my brain. I had never experienced the world in such a profound way before, and never have since. Oddly enough, this world seemed to make more sense during that psychosis.
I know I had a break with reality, but there are plenty of mysteries in the world of bipolar disorder, and I consider psychosis to be one that I’ve never been able to solve. Ultimately, I find myself wondering: Are we supposed to just let go of these intense experiences, or do they actually hold deeper, more significant meaning in our lives?
UPDATED: Originally posted April 19, 2015