A firsthand account of the mental, emotional, and physical toll of mixed states — and real-life tools for staying grounded.
I started a new job four weeks ago, and I’m a mess.
I’m deep into a mixed episode. I feel like I’m being torn in two. This hurts not only mentally but also physically.
I’m exhausted and hyper. I’m sad and excited. I’m not hungry, but I can’t stop eating. I’m lonely, and I’m surrounded by people who support and love me. I’m happy while crying my eyes out. I’m restless and I’m not sleeping, but I’m also sleeping too much. I’m so angry, but I’m so happy.
I hate having a mixed episode.
What Can Trigger a Mixed Episode?
A few days before starting my new job, I became manic. I figured this would happen. I was triggered into mania because I was beyond excited about the opportunity. I love working, and I love being a controller.
My first day was great. I learned lots of new things, met nice people, and best of all, I was working again. But within a few days, I felt terrible. I couldn’t figure out what was happening. I was talking a mile a minute about work but crying at the same time. Soon I realized that I was having a mixed episode.
My trigger for the mixed episode was meeting new people. Some liked me and accepted me, and others didn’t.
While the role of controller was familiar, this time it was in a totally different industry. I was overwhelmed by all the things I had to learn. The terms and products offered didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t understand what things were or how they worked.
Also, going back to work after being off for two months took a toll on me. I was in over my head.
Strategies to Manage a Mixed Bipolar Episode
I’ve done my research, and I know that having a mixed episode can be extremely dangerous. I knew that I had to figure out these feelings. I want to say everything is better, but I’d be lying. I’m trying to manage my mixed states, and these are the tools I’m using.
1. Talk to Someone You Trust About Your Bipolar Symptoms
I’ve said this over and over: You must tell someone how you are feeling and what’s going on. I spoke to my loving partner and told him I wasn’t okay. I’m blessed to have him. Not only does he understand me, but he’s supportive. He listened and reassured me that everything would be alright.
He pointed out that I had been out of work for two months and that I’m trying to get back into the swing of things. He also suggested my next tool to manage how I’m feeling: a schedule. I must give him credit — he reads my blogs, and he knows what works for me. I’m a lucky girl.
2. Create a Daily Routine to Support Bipolar Stability
I needed a new schedule. My work is different from before — my hours are longer, the dress code is new, and the stresses I’m navigating are unfamiliar. So, I went back to what works.
Here is what my schedule looks like:
- Wake up at 5:40 a.m.
- Journal, get ready, and watch the news until 6:40 a.m.
- Leave the house by 7:00 a.m.
- Work from 7:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m.
- Arrive home by 6:00 p.m.
- Finish dinner by 8:00 p.m.
- Pack lunch for the next day
- Shower by 9:00 p.m.
- Pick out clothes for the next day
- Be in bed by 10:30 p.m. (if not earlier)
That’s my whole day. I had to reinstate structure in my life, so I tried to make things as easy as possible.
3. Take Bipolar Medication as Prescribed
I take medicine every morning, afternoon, and evening. Sometimes I forget or don’t take my medication on time. During this episode, I’m on top of my medications — or, that’s my plan. For the most part, I take the pills exactly on time.
I know how important my medication is and how it has helped me since I was diagnosed. It doesn’t resolve all my symptoms, but bipolar medication lessens the degree of my highs and lows. Occasionally, it doesn’t work as well. If this episode lasts longer than I can handle, I’ll see my doctor.
4. Let Go of Stress
This is so much easier to type than to do. I have this terrible habit of imagining the worst-case scenario in every situation. You know, the what-ifs of what might happen. These scenarios make me mad, sad, and just hateful.
I have to stop these negative thought loops. Once I realize that I’ve fallen back into this worst-case-scenario trap, I make myself stop by praying. I ask God to help me settle my mind. Once I focus on God, I’m able to do this.
5. Journal Your Thoughts
I’ve started to write this blog a few times. This time I’m determined to get it all out of my mind. I’ve been trying to figure out what I want to say, and writing and rewriting has lessened the pressure that I’m feeling.
You don’t have to be a blogger to try this for yourself. Pick up a pen and notebook or open a blank text file, and just start journaling. Imagine you’re talking to someone else; in the process, you might be able to talk yourself through your own struggles.
By taking these steps, the pressure has lessened, but I’m not out of the woods yet. I’m still in this mixed episode. My emotions are all over the place. I’m kind and full of rage. I‘m excited and crying my eyes out because I’m so sad. My sleeping patterns are erratic. Mixed states just suck all around.
I wish a special method, a certain strategy, or a pill existed that would solve a mixed episode. But there just isn’t such a thing. My meds help me, but they aren’t the be-all and end-all. Which leads me to my next step in working through this:
6. Give Yourself Grace and Focus on Gratitude
I’m human. I fail at keeping to my schedule, sticking to the right timing of my meds, and keeping my mind in a stress-free place. But I’m going to overcome this, and I’m going to get a handle on my professional life.
Everything will work out. I have the loving support and understanding of my family and friends, and I have my savior, Jesus Christ. I’m grateful that I can write here to share this with you. I’m grateful that I get to express how I feel. I know I’m in a safe place and that I’m not alone.
RELATED: Ask the Doctor: How to Talk About Mixed States and Rapid Cycling
If you ever find yourself in a mixed episode or feel that you are having difficulty dealing with life, please call your doctor and seek help. I know life can be hard and even harder when you are living with bipolar, but there is help for all of us.
Update: Since the publication of this blog, I have found peace, acceptance, and understanding from within. Nothing lasts forever, and I am calm and have accepted what is happening. I do not fear the future; I am living in the moment.
UPDATE: Originally posted May 4, 2020