As daylight fades and seasonal affective disorder lowers energy and mood, slowing your pace can help you stay steady and care for your well-being.
I think of it as performing jujitsu on the winter blues. When the weather has shifted, and I’m no longer “Supergirl of Summer” radiating energy, when instead I’m a sloth, and every move is painfully slow — this is when I wield my special fighter trick.
I “lean in” to the exhaustion of seasonal affective disorder. I don’t try to fight it. Yes, you heard me right. I stop fighting.
For example, I might be in the shower, too tired to rinse the soap off my hair. I take a deep breath and let the tiredness fall in waves over me with the hot water. I feel the tiredness right to my bone. I stop for a moment.
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And then I resume my shower, slower this time, easing back into rinsing myself gently, gently, with slow, soft movements that allow the tiredness to flow through me and out.
I think of this as a counterbalance. The counterbalance and then the shift that allows me to throw a monster in a fight.
The Seasonal Shift: Balancing Activity and Rest Throughout the Year
Eventually, I will make it out of the shower, into my clothes, and off to work. Just slower than in summer. I allot time for the slowness. I account for it. With a little bit of luck, I won’t be late.
“Be patient with yourself,” I tell myself. “There is no competition here.”
And truly, there isn’t. I am my own harshest critic. Aren’t we all our own harshest critics?
In spring and summer, I exercise hard. This past summer, I was on a mission. I lost weight through sheer willpower, sweating off the pounds on the elliptical after work and on my days off, determined to fight the medication bulge.
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In fall, I “lean in” to a walk under the changing leaves in the suddenly brisk air. It is my time to maintain. Summer will be back, and with it, my Supergirl energy. To everything, there is a season. If I “lean in” far enough, I can even teach myself to love the fall, its vivid colors, college football season with its pageantry, and my nephews’ football and soccer games to attend. The darkening days don’t trouble me as much when I enjoy what the season holds.
How to Cope With Seasonal Affective Disorder
In summer, I am a joiner. I join clubs and social groups, eager to be around people. In fall, I am content to be around my family, my aging parents, my nieces and nephews. I “lean in” to these deep relationships, finding in them sustenance and grace, acceptance and affection.
To cope with my seasonal affective disorder, I also use a light box. I have been advised to use it as an alarm clock to allow it to slowly brighten my bedroom, but instead, I simply sit in front of it every morning when I wake up for about an hour. In the darkest days of winter, I find its light bright and cheery. I like having my coffee, reading the newspaper, and eating my cereal in front of its pure white light.
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This year, with fall weather arriving early in Michigan, I have already started using my light box. In fact, I turned it on this past week. Winter is on the move, and it is best to be prepared. I will follow my medication regimen and make adjustments with guidance from my psychiatrist if necessary. I am ready to do battle, but I am also ready to accept.
Learning to Live With Joy and Pain
My life with bipolar has sometimes been almost unbearably painful — as it also has been lit up by great wonder, creativity, and joy. As I get older, I am finding it better to “lean in” to the pain of this illness — not to fight so hard, to break a little easier, so the breaking isn’t so excruciating.
I also “lean in” to the struggle with the “winter blues.” This doesn’t mean I don’t push myself when I need to, but I also allow myself to be tired and a little bit — but not too — down.
The seasons will change, and I will come roaring back next year. Essentially, I make peace with myself and shake hands with myself. This is not about winning — this is about having a life worth living.
UPDATED: Originally posted December 19, 2017