Hope is what helps us push past stigma, setbacks, and self-doubt — and remember that healing with bipolar disorder is a journey worth taking.
Having lived with bipolar disorder for a number of decades, I know what it’s like to be without hope. I recall many days when I was consumed with an overwhelming sense of dread and fear of the future, when I was bogged down by the question, “Why me?”
Bipolar turned my life upside-down. Mania flipped me into delusions that had me first thinking I was the devil and then Jesus. I spent an entire summer in unremitting depression, resulting in a psychiatric hospital stay. In fact, I was institutionalized eight times in as many years.
There were times, however, when I was able to look beyond my hopeless state and feel optimistic.
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When I attended my first 12-step meeting for substance abuse, a young woman was collecting her 30-day “clean time” key tag. She was expressing a sense of frustration, but instead, I heard the message that it’s possible to live a life without illicit drugs.
If she were able to stop using despite the anger she was experiencing, maybe I could recover from my addiction and bipolar disorder as well. That was the message that I most needed to hear. It gave me hope.
The Role of Hope in My Recovery
Hope has been an essential part of my recovery from mental illness and addiction. You see, that’s where it all begins. Hope is the starting point. Even when things got tough, I’ve been able to cling to this essential element that keeps me moving forward.
When my symptoms stabilized and I returned to school in 1990 after many years’ lapse, I was uncertain if I could do the work. I had enrolled, ironically, in an Abnormal Psychology class. I remember getting my first exam back with a score of 97.5 percent. That was enough to buoy my outlook. “I can do this!” I told myself.
Managing my bipolar and addiction made that success possible. There’s a saying I love: “Lost dreams awaken. New possibilities arise.” That was so true for me as I brought my disorders under control.
The Importance of a Support System
Of course, I haven’t done it alone. I have had the support of many: family, friends, counselors, and doctors. When I look back, I realize I have gotten “hope shots” from so many. My wife, Suzy, has been a consistent supporter. Whenever I’m having a bad day, Suzy has a way of injecting me with a sense of realistic inspiration that helps me let go of whatever ill feelings I’m experiencing.
In today’s society, many try to extinguish the spark of hope, often through the guise of stigma. Mental illness is still used as a way to pigeonhole people who are not to blame for their condition. Yet, in the end, hope prevails.
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At 12-step meetings and in my work as a mental health counselor, I see signs of hope every day. I am so privileged to be a witness to so many people facing the future with courage and strength.
One of my clients, whom I’ll call Warren, has a lengthy criminal history, along with mental health and addiction diagnoses. It could be said that Warren has all the cards stacked against him. Yet he continues to face his situation head-on, work toward stability, and stay drug-free.
There are many “Warrens” out there — people who take on their own challenges of recovery with the same perseverance and conviction.
It would be wonderful if hope could be bottled and shared with everyone. Unfortunately, it can’t — but it can be passed along. Hope is contagious. Stability and healing are possible, and we see proof of that every day, all around us. Don’t give in to the stigma or negativity. Stay encouraged. Keep hope alive.
UPDATED: Originally printed as “On my mind: Recovery starts with hope,” Spring 2012