If anxiety convinces you that you have to do everything yourself, you’re not alone. Learning to surrender control can make all the difference.
It’s hard for me to ask for help — so hard that it almost never happens. Or, at least, not until it’s too late and I’m seething with bipolar anger or completely overwhelmed by exhaustion.
Usually, my reluctance to ask for help comes from a well-meaning place: I don’t want to burden others, or I genuinely want to be the one helping people.
But sometimes, it stems from a more complicated, selfish desire — I want others to see me in a certain way. I want them to know they can always count on me, no matter what. I want to be seen as a multitasking marvel who has it all together.
Beneath these tangled and often misguided intentions, though, the real reason I struggle to ask for help is simple: I want to be in control. And that desire for control is driven by anxiety.
The Connection Between Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety
Bipolar and anxiety seem to go hand-in-hand. And it’s little wonder — when our moods constantly shift, it can feel like we never know what’s coming next.
- When I’m depressed, I feel anxious because everything seems hopeless.
- When I’m manic, my anxiety is different — less acute, more like an unsettling sense that things are bound to end badly.
- When I’m stable, I still wrestle with anxiety— the fear that this stability won’t last, that another depressive or manic episode is just around the corner.
Staying at an Elevated Baseline of Anxiety
Even when bipolar symptoms aren’t at the forefront of my mind, the everyday stress of life is enough to keep me at an elevated baseline of anxiety.
RELATED: Living With Both Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety — the Tension Tango
Instead of asking for help when I need it, I let my anxiety convince me that I need to do everything myself in order to stay in control. It’s the embodiment of that old adage: If you want something done right, do it yourself.
But this is the worst possible way to handle my anxiety. Appointing myself as a martyr in the name of control — or some illusion of perfection — only intensifies my anxiety, strengthens my desire for control, and reinforces my unwillingness to ask for help. It’s a vicious cycle that can only be broken by surrender.
Learning to Surrender Control and Practice Humility
Surrendering the terrifying feeling that I must be in control requires something difficult: humility.
In this age of social media and constant oversharing (for example, the blog I’m writing right now), humility isn’t exactly encouraged. Instead, we’re told to share our every thought, post our carefully edited selfies, and “just do you.”
But all this only fuels selfishness and adds to the pressure to appear like we have it all together. Asking for help doesn’t fit into that paradigm.
Yet, as people dealing with the very messy, painful, sometimes beautiful world of bipolar disorder, learning to ask for help is one of the most powerful ways we can take care of ourselves.
RELATED: Finding the Strength to Ask for and Accept Help
I’m now on a mission to reach out when I need support. Surrendering my ego, accepting that I can’t control everything (and never will), and practicing humility are all part of this process. It reminds me of a better adage: Let go and let God.
4 Things to Keep in Mind if You’re Struggling to Ask for Help
The next time you’re struggling to ask for help — especially when dealing with bipolar anxiety — try to remember these four things:
- Ask for help before you reach the point of stress and overwhelm.
- Don’t be afraid of imposing on others; it’s up to them to say “no” if they need to.
- There isn’t just one way to do something — just because it’s not done your way doesn’t mean it won’t be done well.
- Trying to control everything doesn’t ease anxiety — but asking for help can.
What are some other ways you have learned to let go of control and ask for help? Feel free to share them below.
UPDATED: Originally posted March 7, 2017