As a supportive parent to an adult child with bipolar, there are so many questions left unanswered and a whole lot of guilt and anger.
Someone needs to help me figure this out. There is a really ugly side to this bipolar thing: the anger and blaming. Although they are two different entities, I have discovered they usually go hand in hand in our home.
I love my kid, but I am angry and frustrated.
Why is it my son can never take responsibility for anything? If he failed a test, it was the teacher’s fault. If he misplaced something, it was my fault. If he got fired, it would have been a coworker’s fault. He often apologizes if he hurts my feelings but still doesn’t take ownership. He will often say things like, I put him in the hospital, I sent him away, I wasn’t a good parent, or I wasn’t there for him. I can see why he would say it in a fit of anger, but at what point does he realize I am not the fall guy?
Why doesn’t he realize that when he isn’t taking medication or taking responsibility for his diagnosis, it causes things to become out of control? These are the things that have ended him up in the hospital or caused our relationship to be strained.
It is not my fault when I am doing everything in my power to be a supportive parent and trying to save his life. It is not my fault.
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My son has never hurt me, but I am definitely a target of his anger. I do understand that I am the closest person to him, and you always hurt the one you love the most. I don’t think he realizes I am human and can only take so much. I don’t think he realizes how scary he is sometimes.
I don’t think he knows how much it hurts my feelings. I don’t think he knows when I am at my breaking point. I don’t think he knows how I cry late at night, praying this illness goes away.
The anger makes him a different person. He has told me many times that when someone hurts him, or he feels threatened, he wants to make them miserable. He wants to make them suffer. The part I don’t understand is why me? After all these years, why does he have to be so mean to the one who has always stood by his side?
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Recently, I have let go as a parent so he could self-evaluate and become more independent. I thought it would be good that we weren’t so connected, and maybe he would start to appreciate me more. I was hoping we could redefine our relationship. Maybe my expectations are too high. I find myself in a whirlwind of emotion. Lately, I’ve been struggling with a lot of guilt and anger.
These are the questions I’m seeking answers to: At what age do they start to take responsibility? Does it ever come, or am I just subjected to being blamed for everything bad that happens in his life? When will I stop being the target of his anger? When do I stop helping him solve all his problems? When do I get involved, and when do I step back? How far do I let him fall? When do I stop financially supporting him? Will he ever be fully independent? When do I let go? Will this guilt and anger ever go away?
UPDATED: Originally posted March 10, 2015