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When I feel ignored, my mind races to the worst. These are my go-to ways to break that bipolar thought spiral.
I have to laugh at the dramatic title that came to my mind as I contemplated what to write about for this post. As someone with bipolar disorder, it’s something my depressed mind would insist upon, thinking: Of course everyone hates you — you’re a dumb, ugly loser.
It’s something that would never even occur to my manic mind: Everyone loves you! You are so amazing! You’re practically famous!
You get the idea.
Social Anxiety, Loneliness, and Stability as Part of Bipolar Disorder
Having been in remission from bipolar disorder for several years now, I am surprised at the ever-present social anxiety and loneliness I still experience. Part of this is living far from my family and friends. I only have a few family members nearby, and I’ve never regained the wonderful friendships I had growing up.
RELATED: How I’ve Mastered My Social Anxiety
Part of this feeling also comes from the fact that I often like being alone. But, sometimes, being alone crosses over into loneliness. And part of this experience is the bad habit of “mind-reading.”
Bipolar Brain Habits That Distort Perception
If you are not familiar with it, the cognitive distortion known as “mind-reading” (or “fortune-telling”) is when you try to predict or assume what everyone around you is thinking. For example, when I go to work and someone ignores me when I say hello, I automatically jump to the worst-case scenario.
I think: Oh my gosh, that was so embarrassing! Why would I say hello to someone out of nowhere like that?! They obviously hate me and are totally annoyed by my presence. They must think I’m a complete idiot. I’m never going to say hello to anyone again unless they say hello first.
This example shows mind-reading, over-generalization, and catastrophizing: They obviously hate me. I’m never going to say hello to anyone again. These are yet more cognitive distortions.
4 Ways to Break the Pattern of Negative Thinking From Bipolar Disorder
These cognitive distortions — mind-reading, fortune-telling, overgeneralizing, and catastrophizing — can color my world, even when I’m experiencing relative wellness. They are insidious because they are based on old patterns of thinking and are practically automatic.
But to break out of these patterns, I have found some ways to cope.
1. Stop Mind-reading or Assuming the Worst
If you must mind-read, consider the range of options. For example, perhaps the person I said hello to simply didn’t hear me (I do tend to speak quietly). Or perhaps they have a lot on their mind and are in their own little world. Maybe they fought with their husband before coming to work. Maybe their son is sick. Maybe their dog died. Maybe they are thinking about what they want to eat for lunch. The possibilities are truly endless, so try to keep some in mind before assuming the worst.
2. People Are Not Thinking About You as Much as You Think They Are
This is age-old advice, but it comes down to the simple fact that the world does not revolve around me (or you). Maybe the person didn’t say hello to me because they had other things on their mind besides being deliberately cruel to April. I highly doubt they woke up that morning thinking about all the ways they could upset me. Putting things in perspective like this can really lighten my load. Try it — you’ll see!
3. Give What You Want to Receive
This one is admittedly the hardest for me when I am feeling socially awkward, but it is another tried-and-true adage (like “Love your neighbor as yourself”). If I smile and say hello to people, 99 percent of the time, they will smile and say hello back. On the rare occasion that someone does not reciprocate, I can either choose not to mind-read — or to practice the very practical option of considering the range of possibilities for why they didn’t say return the greeting (almost certainly none of which will include me). Don’t let one (or even a few) awkward social interactions prevent you from continuing to reach out to people.
4. If Someone Really Is Treating You Poorly, They Are at Fault, Not You
When someone has actually been unkind to me, I try to remind myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of. They are the ones exhibiting poor behavior, and if anyone should feel bad, it is them. Thinking back to when someone said something rude to me, it immediately made me feel embarrassed and horrified. I wanted to hide my head in the sand. After a bit of thought, I realized I had nothing to feel bad about. If anything, that person should have been the one to feel ashamed for behaving so poorly.
Keep Trying, and Don’t Give Up
Of course, I only gave a few examples of social situations where mind-reading might occur, but I think these tips can be applied to many different situations, especially if you have bipolar disorder.
My practice with these tips is not perfect. I don’t want it to come across as incredibly easy; I still struggle with this. But all I’m saying is to keep trying.
RELATED: 6 Tips for Forming Friendships with Bipolar Disorder
Don’t let mind-reading keep you from trying new things and meeting new people. The only way to get to know someone else — and find out what they’re thinking — is to actually talk to them, in person, in real time, in real life.
Don’t give up. Just keep trying!
UPDATED: Originally posted September 18, 2017