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My depression is dark and my mania is wild, but I am not my illness. Here is what living with bipolar really feels like.
I can’t name a single person with bipolar disorder who doesn’t have that one friend or family member who just doesn’t get it. They either have no idea about mental illnesses in general, or they believe they are something you can simply “fix.”
For me, it’s more than frustrating; it’s downright cruel. You would think your family and friends would be the first ones to support you. Unfortunately, you often get the usual confusion and apathy. Or worse, you get the anger.
Here are 3 basic things that I wish they knew:
1. You Don’t Understand What It’s Like to Live With Bipolar Disorder
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but it’s 100 percent true. Unless you’ve walked a mile in my shoes, there’s no way you’ll ever be able to fully understand.
My depressions are so dark and morbid that they drain me of all my energy. The thought of taking a shower or even just getting out of bed is overwhelming. Depending on how low I get, I honestly contemplate taking my life because I can’t bear to go on like this.
My manias are so wild and unpredictable that irritability and insomnia cause major health issues. Sure, it’s nice to have more energy — but not when I can’t control my actions. Overspending and grandiosity can get me into major trouble in my financial and social life, leaving me to pick up the pieces later.
Bipolar depression and mania are far more extreme levels of emotions than you’ve ever experienced or can even conceive of. Trust me when I say you don’t — you can’t — understand. So please stop trying to analyze it. Just be there. Sit with me in the dark. Listen without fixing. That is enough.
2. When I’m Manic or Depressed, I’m Not the Real Me
Everything is amplified when I’m in the middle of an episode, so it’s much easier for me to say or do things that I wouldn’t if I were well. This doesn’t by any means excuse anything — bipolar is an explanation, but not an excuse.
A lot of outside stimuli are overwhelming my senses, and it’s hard for me to hold back the things I feel compelled to say and do. The fact is, my bipolar affects my ability to react “normally” to the world around me, almost like the filter between my brain and my mouth disappears.
What I need least is anger and criticism while I’m trying to deal with my symptoms the best way I know how. My personal catchphrase is, “Don’t be ashamed of your actions; learn from them and grow.” I just hope my loved ones can give me the grace to do that.
3. Coping Skills That Work for You Won’t ‘Fix’ My Bipolar
While there are plenty of good tips out there for living a well-balanced life, like doing yoga or eating healthy, they do very little — if anything — to help when you are already deep in the throes of depression or mania.
In those moments, logic and reason go out the window. I fully believe in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) as useful tools to help manage bipolar disorder, but these will not cure it. They just won’t.
So for someone to tell you that you just need to do this one thing (practice the Tree pose, boost your omega-3s) and you won’t be depressed or manic anymore is absurd and irresponsible. It perpetuates the stigma that this is “all in your head” and that you should be able to “just get over it.”
Living With Bipolar Disorder Takes Tremendous Strength
Here’s the bottom line: My brain doesn’t function the same as everyone else’s, regardless of public opinion. But that doesn’t mean I’m weak. In fact, it means I am much stronger than you think. It takes monumental courage and strength to live life battling bipolar. Every moment I continue breathing, I am winning this fight.
And I’ll never stop fighting. Having my friends and family stick by my side gives me hope that I can manage whatever happens. Even if they don’t fully understand it, through their strength, I know I have a reason to keep on going.
If they only knew how much their unconditional support means to me.
Updated: Originally printed as “What I Wish Family and Friends Knew about Bipolar,” Winter 2017